Our birthdays, an average of 30 years.

I am writing this update from Mom and Dad Myers’ place in Mt. Joy on Janelle’s birthday. We are glad to be with family, and enjoyed my parents coming out last evening for supper. We had planned for quite a different weekend, as I was going to be fishing in the New Jersey saltwater with my dad and father-in-law in my dad’s boat today, and we were going to be attending a wedding tomorrow. This course of action had been approved by our midwifery/obstetric practice last week, so long as Janelle reclined the seat while riding in the car, did NOTHING while not attending the wedding, etc. But we had another appointment on our way out of town yesterday, and that changed. Here’s how it went:

We went into the appointment feeling nervous. This was an ultrasound appointment, involving a 4-part Biophysical Profile. We knew that if this profile showed signs of trouble, we were not likely to get to go to PA as planned. To our relief, she got a score of 8 out of 8, and even showed improvement over the last time in terms of blood pressure/Doppler flows (her growth was not measured this time, since it had been so recently done that a growth evaluation would not have been too meaningful yet), so we breathed more easily and waited with little nervousness for the review with our friend Anne, one of the midwives. We expected to hear that the news was, in context, good, and that our current trajectory was still the medical advice. However, all of the doctors and midwives in the practice meet regularly to discuss all of the “problem cases”, and they had just done so that morning. Anne informed us that they thought we should be prepared for the possibility that, at our UVA appointment on Monday, the UVA docs might want to keep Janelle there and induce delivery shortly. Being prepared meant, according to her, three things: emotional preparedness, logistical preparedness, and steroid shots to prepare the baby’s lungs for life as a non-aquatic creature. Furthermore, she recommended we not travel to PA, partially so that Janelle could get the second in the series of 2 steroid injections, partially because they simply had misgivings about the level of activity.

Serious bummer!

Now what? Perhaps foolishly, we had come to the appointment with the car packed, including my having lashed a set of scaffolding to the roof rack of our Subaru to return to my Dad. Besides that, Kali was waiting for us in PA, having spent the better part of this week at Mom and Dad Myers’ place (enjoying herself thoroughly with play dates, sleepovers, and other adventures). We were, of course, still trying to absorb the news that we might have a baby next week, or at least that the NICU nurses might have our baby next week, while simultaneously trying to decide if we should accept the travel restriction without negotiation or not. I think both of us felt we needed to be around our parents, so we asked if we could possibly talk to the doctor directly about the travel, and make our case. We were able to, and it turned out the doctor’s main concern was getting that second steroid shot. When we told her we each had a physician for a parent, and we were sure we could arrange that, she seemed o.k. with it, but couldn’t quite concede the point of attending the wedding. Of course Janelle was upset about not being able to attend her old friend and neighbor Dana Reist’s wedding, and indeed we understood the advice as a judgment call that we could, if we chose, cautiously not take, but Janelle soon realized that with the new load on her shoulders, she wasn’t really up for a celebratory crowd anyway.

We decided to just go to Mt. Joy (Janelle’s parents) instead of first to Pennsburg (my parents), and to come home Friday instead of Sunday. Since my parents were able to change plans and make it out to Mt. Joy for supper, that seemed to be the option that was the least disruptive to our plans, and yet which allowed us a little more time at home to prepare for the unknowns of the coming week. Which are:

Might this baby need to be born this week? That will ultimately be up to us, I suppose. But in practical terms it depends on the judgments of the UVA docs. If Janelle gives birth to a baby girl Monday, we know that more likely than not she’ll be spending some time in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. We don’t know how much. Anne told us to think in terms of weeks rather than days. The judgments of the UVA docs will be based on the results of their very thorough evaluation by ultrasound of the baby’s health and growth. Based on our last session with them and on the reputation of the doctor attending Monday’s appointment, we anticipate knowledgeable, respectful, and kind interaction that can help us make informed decisions. We hope that they will see fit to recommend allowing the baby as much time in the womb as possible. Each week she can safely stay in gains all of us so much in terms of a healthy process and outcome.

If we are looking at a prolonged NICU stay, we may have to have a place to stay in Charlottesville for a while. Several friends, including Anne, have mentioned contacts they have in Charlottesville who have space or who may know someone who has space where we could stay. Any other ideas would be welcome, since multiple options garnered through personal contacts afford us, in my opinion, the best chance of a process that will work for our family. We are hoping to go to UVA Monday with a flexible plan in place.

And the big unknown is: Is something wrong with the baby? Clearly our caregivers think so. It seems most if not all of them are leaning toward some as-yet-unknown genetic or chromosomal anomaly or disorder. Being the natural optimist I am and the hopeful dad I must be, I am as yet unwilling to concede the point that her within-normal-range head shape, early (but now resolved) kidney abnormality, and failure to live up to growth standards constitute a package that clearly indicates such a disorder. I have family history reasons to point to for all of those, though my amateur interpretation of those reasons is naturally not as reliable as the professional one. Still, I’m clear that we must wait and see. However, as our friend Mike Higgins once put it (about other things, I think), we must hope for the best while preparing for the worst.

I’ll sign off now so this update doesn’t get too long, and so I can do some embroidery for the baby’s quilt. Let me just add that I feel more admiration for Janelle than ever as she manages to restrain her natural busy impulses and just lay around, while still being present to Kali and sensitive to her needs. If it was easy for her, that would be one thing. But it’s not, and she does it anyway. This is her least favorite birthday ever, of course, and it’s hard for me to see this day pass with little special enjoyment for her. We are hoping to celebrate our half-birthdays this year. We have no idea what shape our lives will have taken by then.

Thanks to all of you for your many messages and actions which have shown us your care and support. It has meant and will continue to mean a lot.

Love, Jason for the Myers-Benner family

P.S. Due to Janelle’s being off of work and Kali’s cooperativeness in being able to be entertained by Janelle or generous volunteers in a way that fits with the rest protocol, I and other generous volunteers have been able to make good progress on the addition. The walls are painted, electrical fixtures are in, and the new oak floor has the first coat of finish drying while we are away. Will we be able to move in before the baby comes? It seems doubtful now that the schedule is accelerated, but we’re a lot closer than we would have been without the good help we’ve received. Thanks.

P.P.S. If you’ve made this far this is Janelle adding a note since Jason didn’t mention it, that Jason will be celebrating his 31^st birthday tomorrow. We’ll be at home now together as a family, trying to savor some moments together. It felt so good to me last night to crawl into bed snuggled up with Jason and Kali. In those moments it is hard to not feel like everything is right in the world.

Monitoring and more monitoring...

It’s Friday evening just before 9pm – Kali is still chattering and occasionally coughing from the next room (the two of us are at the tail end of colds) and I’m doing my best to recline slightly on the left side while starting this letter to all of you. Jason is in the front room working on cutting knots out of our flooring to get ready for a second day of laying the floor. I’m going to risk annoying a few of you with yet another long letter and send this to all of you that received our last letter about a week and a half ago. However, please let us know if you would prefer to not be on our email list of updates as I know they may come more frequently in the coming weeks than they normally do.

While we have not been able to respond to all the emails we have received from many of you we have felt loved and supported by those near and far and for that we are very, very grateful. And we have also started to feel real tangible symbols of support from neighbors and members of our church and local community by way of visits to play with Kali, taking Kali on a special outing, bringing food, bringing a meal and staying to visit, coming to help out Jason in the front room, emails of care and concern, phone calls, etc… While it is hard for us to admit it, we feel the need for help and are making it our commitment to not turn it down during this time!

For those of you who knew of our appointment today and are wanting me to get to the point and give the baby update let me start with that and then you can choose whether or not to read further. Picking up where our last letter left off:

Friday, September 14: we had an ultrasound and appointment with one of the midwives (Barbara). They did not measure her growth since it had only been 4 days since they had done that exact thing at UVA. They did the doppler flow studies and the biophysical profile and once again she did fine on both (good forward doppler flow and she scored an 8/8 on her biophysical). For once we didn’t really receive too much new news, but did confirm that I was to stop working and move to a slightly modified form of bed rest (trying to spend at least 10 hours in bed at night – preferably on my left side – as well as 2 hours in the morning, afternoon and evening). The remainder of the hours of my day are to be spent resting as much as possible – though I was given permission to do small things around the house like get a meal on, hang out some laundry, and even go as far as walking to get the mail as long as those things are well couched in rest.

And that is what I’ve been attempting to follow this week. I’ve seen more of our hammock, the futon, Kali’s bed, the recliner and our bed than I ever have before. Kali and I have read lots of stories, played lots of Mastermind and other games, and I’ve eaten lots of varieties of “sand cakes” that she has made for me while I recline in the hammock. She’s been a trooper, even though we know these changes are felt by her too.

Tuesday, September 18: the next NST (non-stress test). My mom arrived Sunday evening and spent Monday and Tuesday with us which was wonderful. She significantly decreased the number of dust bunnies in our home, played with Kali, cooked for us, and was physically present which was good for me. She played with Kali while I was on the monitor at the midwives Tuesday. I think our baby girl is starting to know Shenandoah Women’s Healthcare because she starts to move and squirm the minute they put that gel on me and they start monitoring her. She got nicknamed “squirmy” this week by one of the nurses. She made getting a good reading difficult, particularly when she got the hiccups which interrupted the heartbeat reading. But she had great accelerations and once again “passed.” I was sent home to continue what I’d been doing and to wait for today’s ultrasound and check up on growth. And an anxious several days that was for me.

Today, Friday, September 21: we had an ultrasound with the same studies they are doing each week and in addition to that checking her growth and then met with Donna for our midwife appointment. Once again good doppler flow, though they did note that the systolic pressure was just a bit elevated compared to other times. At this point it still is good and forward flowing and not a problem but may be a tiny sign that it is possible things could start changing in a direction we would rather they not go (and would require early delivery if they determine she would be better off outside than inside). She got an 8/8 again by moving lots, showing her new found breathing skills (and sucking which she seems to like to do), having plenty of fluid and the placenta also looking healthy. But, she’s still tiny!

Her head is still the closest to “normal range” and has grown. Her little leg bones have also grown but are still several weeks behind and her midsection is also weeks behind and actually did not show growth since our UVA appointment. She is still well under 3 lbs by the ultrasound estimate (about 2lb 7oz). My uterus is also measuring slightly small, though it has grown some as well. And there are still really no clear answers as to the cause of the delays. It seems we are still facing a whole huge hopeful and incredibly scary range of possibilities. We will continue to go to the midwives two times a week and have our next follow up appointment at UVA on Monday, October 1^st. Until then the only specific advice I have to follow is to do nothing as much as possible and to eat more.

So how are we doing? I should probably let Jason speak for himself! While we are definitely in this journey together, I think our day to day experience of it all has been very different. And I think that he also tends to be just a bit more steady than I am! I think the best metaphor for me right now is a “yo-yo.” And a yo-yo that goes from level down and then back to level. I can’t say I’m experiencing many “high” moments these days but sometimes I get glimpses of feeling like myself, feeling like I can do this, feeling like our family will make it through this time, feeling like somehow I will find the strength to not just survive this but to thrive… But I will be honest to say that at least for now, I am experiencing a lot more doubts, sadness, letting go of dreams and expectations, fear for what the future holds for me, for Kali, for this little one growing in me, for our family, and having a hard time being still in the midst of that. I just want to go for a long, fast, get-my-heart-rate-up kind of walk to clear my head, mind, and heart and to get one of those brief but wonderful endorphin rushes (a natural side effect of vigorous exercise which I tend to experience distinctly)!

Well, I’m in danger of losing your attention, if I haven’t already, and the little girl in the next room has fallen silent so I have a good chance of not hearing “I have to go potty” for about the next 9-10 hours, so I should probably get to sleep. Thanks again for your thoughts, prayers and expressions of support. We are grateful and will continue to find strength in being surrounded by many persons who love and care for all four of us. Janelle

Ps. Just FYI that we are now online at home and I’m doing some work from home which means that I’m online several times a day and am always happy for notes from friends and family too. Also, for those of you that don’t have our numbers we no longer have a home phone number but each have a Verizon cell phone (Janelle: 540-269-2806 and Jason: 540-421-5983). We also welcome your calls.

Bed rest ahead

This letter will most likely be written over a number of days but I thought I would start it today – in the waiting stage of this journey that we are on. And I’ve chosen to send this letter to many of you on our mailing list who are not consistently on our monthly letter list but with whom we want to share the things our family is experiencing and to ask for your thoughts and support.

It will come as a surprise to those of you that have not heard from us since our Christmas letters that we are expecting a baby girl to join our family in November. Kali has been eagerly anticipating for months becoming a big sister and has already welcomed the shifting of furniture in her room to make way for the crib. Every time we go around and say what we are thankful for before a meal her response is “I’m thankful for Drimpy!” (Drimpy is her chosen name for the baby).

The expected arrival of a new member in our family and the continued process of remodeling our home has put off indefinitely our planned open house/party weekend that we had initially projected for our birthday weekend this year (September 28-30). And for the time being planning much of anything future oriented feels very difficult for Jason and I to think and dream about.

At our 20 week appointment (we are at 30 weeks today), they noticed minor pyelectasis (urine retention in the kidney) in the baby but were not overly concerned. This is fairly common and they just recommend a follow up ultrasound around 28 weeks. We had that ultrasound 2 weeks ago and the pyelectasis had diminished and was no longer a concern. However, they checked her growth and that became an immediate concern as she fell below the 10^th percentile which immediately gave her the diagnosis of “IUGR” – Intra Uterine Growth Restriction. And it put us in the high risk category and we got to look forward to coming into the office 2 times a week – once for a non-stress test and once for an ultrasound to do a biophysical and Doppler flow studies.

At the time, this felt like a lot to soak in and the tears for me flowed easily as we learned the whole spectrum of possibilities – early delivery, increased risk of both induction and cesarean birth, possible complications in late pregnancy, some long term issues for the baby. But we also held on to the hope that maybe she would hit a growth spurt or maybe she fell in the 40% of IUGR babies who are just tiny. For me, there was the recommendation to slow down, limit exercise and activity, get my feet up and rest as much as possible, eat at regular intervals including extra protein and try to make as much of what I take in available to the baby. Some of these changes were also feeling quite challenging as I seem to thrive on being on the go and, yes, on doing. And keeping up with Kali is not normally a “put your feet up” kind of job.

This past week was our first week of more in depth monitoring and the baby passed the non-stress test great on Tuesday. I was also feeling more movement as the week progressed and with increased movement came increased hope. When Friday came I did not expect new bad news. We actually decided to have Jason move forward with his work plans for the day and Aunt Karen met Kali and I at the midwives for the appointment.

What we were to learn in the next hour was that although she passed the biophysical and the Doppler flow studies looked good, she had now fallen below the 3^rd percentile and the ultrasound tech noticed 2 things in her brain that “don’t look right.” Before letting me go for the day, they also did a non-stress test to make sure the baby was not under stress which she was not. And that is all we know at this point and the waiting and worrying and fear at times feels almost unbearable.

Tomorrow, Jason and I head to the University of Virginia in Charlottesville for a more in depth ultrasound and to meet with a perinatologist. Kali is looking forward to a fun afternoon and evening with Aunt Karen and Aunt Sue and we are so grateful for their presence and support during this time.

This letter will continue after tomorrow’s appointment. For now we wait, worry, cry, hope but dare not to, etc… And for now, Kali and I head to meet Karen, Sue, Grandma and Grandpa Myers, and Daddy at Taste of Thai for lunch together.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Jason and I fell into bed exhausted last night after several hours in the car and close to a 4 hour appointment at UVA. We left UVA feeling somewhat confused about where we were at in this journey and how hopeful or not we should feel. The short run down of the appointment:

Our little girl put up with being watched and poked and monitored for 2 good hours by ultrasound. And she put on a show: she opened and closed her little hands, kicked her feet, turned the wrong way at times when they wanted pictures of certain things, practiced her newly found breathing skills, opened and closed her mouth, and overall acted just as a baby of her age should act. But she is undoubtedly tiny. Her heart looks good, all her other organs look good, the placenta looks good, the blood flow in the cord is good, the amniotic fluid is good, and most surprisingly of all, the doctor could not see anything in her brain that caused her alarm. That was not what we were expecting to see. While we probably should have felt elated we felt kind of confused – what did this mean now?

They had called a genetic counselor up to meet with us which also kind of made the whole thing feel more unpredictable and scary as they talked about the whole range of possible outcomes and went over a few possible scenarios. But as we left basically all we were given was that everything checks out fine, but your baby is very tiny and we don’t know why. They wanted to see us back in 3 weeks for a follow up and we are to continue with our appointments with the midwives in Harrisonburg. They did talk about recommending that I deliver at UVA but did not feel that early induction would be necessary and also weren’t recommending that I go on complete bed rest at this point.

On our way home we talked with our wonderful friend and midwife, Donna, whose enthusiasm and hopefulness at the report couldn’t help but wear off on Jason and I. It was just odd for us to be feeling happy and hopeful about being back at the “pre-Friday” news that had seemed so grave only a few weeks ago. So, the roller coaster ride continues… (Donna did not think that delivery at UVA was a must which was very encouraging in and of itself)

We slept, got up and were off to our appointment at the midwives. This morning she also passed her non-stress test. She was a wiggler and gave them a few good accelerations. She might have been responding to my increased heart rate as we talked with another midwife Anne (also a good friend), only to learn that in consultation with the doctor they are recommending that I move to bed rest to really maximize this baby’s growth. Again, we were faced with news that I had not been expecting. Thankfully, with only a little pleading, I’ve been given this week to prepare and wrap things up at work and start figuring out how to make this sustainable and hopefully in some ways positive and life-giving for our family (and I’m particularly thinking of Kali in all of this – though she seemed quite happy at the prospect of Mommy not having to go to work!!). We will have another ultrasound this Friday and appointment with the midwives and at that time will be given more complete instructions and a game plan for what is ahead. So for now, we do some more waiting and hoping and I do more breathing deeply and trying to slow up and rest and prepare myself for whatever lies ahead (lots of book reading, puzzle playing, games, and watching and absorbing Kali’s cuteness – I guess there are worse things).

And for now, I try to get things tied up at work (which means I have meetings most of the rest of today and need to get moving). I have felt so supported by family and friends and very much too by my work colleagues. While I am assured by many of them that I need to be focused on this baby and our family right now, my sense of responsibility and commitment to my work and the people I work with and for is making this a hard transition for me, when I had fully anticipated having another 2 months plus to “get things in order.”

One of the things I was told this morning is that I will get good practice at asking for and receiving help from others. This is not a skill I’ve honed well yet in my life. I thought our house project was stretching me enough in that arena but it looks as if that may not have been the case. I’m sure that Jason and I and Kali will grow in ways we couldn’t have imagined months ago and while that will not be easy all the time, we are hoping for grace as we take it a day at a time.

Love, Janelle

Food processing frenzy!

August! I hope it will not be too redundant for me to quote (from memory, so I don’t vouch for the accuracy) from Barbara Kingsolver’s Prodigal Summer, where she described one character’s garden as being like a reverse baby bird, incessantly opening its mouth and giving, giving, giving. Our gardens are not large, but some things did well. Especially Roma tomatoes, which also tend to come all at once. This is keeping Janelle hopping as she puts away salsa, tomato sauce, plain old diced tomatoes, and hopefully a little tomato juice for the winter in various and sundry quarts and pints. Additionally, she has been up to her elbows today in [purchased, not home grown] sweet corn for the freezer. She also set a new record for our family for applesauce, canning a grand total of seventy quarts in one day (Janelle says she can’t claim to have done it alone—Kali was a great “cranker”, sticking with it all day). Some folks (as it happens, their names are Dick and Marlene Benner) not too far from us obviously went on some kind of Paulared apple tree planting frenzy a few decades back and have kept the ground mowed, but cannot use all of the apples, especially in the face of this year’s bumper crop. We were quite pleased to be of assistance in keeping a couple of bushels from going to waste. We probably got no more than 1/20^th of what was there.

You may have noticed that I did not include myself in the food processing team in the above commentary. No, we have not suddenly decided to sternly enforce traditional characterizations of gender roles in our home…I’ve still been busy building the addition. I’m insulating the roof currently, and it feels encouraging to be at that stage. The siding is finished (thanks to Dad Benner’s good help) minus a few spots that need paint and caulk some time, and (thanks to Ethan’s good help) the slate is laid on the porches, so I can turn my attention inward. Of course, what I’d like to be doing is turning my attention further inward…helping out with the slicing and dicing and spicing going on in the back room. All the same I am enjoying making lots of visible progress and I feel good about the quality. I also have enjoyed being able to work with family and friends a little more recently. For me there is nothing quite like working jointly for providing comfortable, yet quality time spent together. We are going to enjoy living in that room, and we are coming within striking distance of the end of the project. Some of you have generously banded together, in honor of our September birthdays (but really in honor of your graciousness) to help us pay for having the drywall hung and finished by professionals. This will advance our project’s finish date by probably at least a month, and for that we are simply grateful.

Of course, the biggest event of August was Kali’s very favorite holiday of the year: her birthday! She’s now 4 whole years old, if you can believe that. Coincidently, a brood of chicks that we volunteered to hatch for our neighbor and great friend Samuel Johnson were due to enter the world on that very same day. So Janelle and I “hatched” the idea of throwing a very modest drop-in party for Kali that day, inviting some little friends (and big friends) to come and see a few miracles in progress. The incubator and an aquarium housing the dry chicks were fairly popular spots in a fairly full house. The adults might have been a little bored and cramped, but the kids seemed to enjoy themselves, and Kali, while clearly feeling somewhat overwhelmed with the activity at the time, seems to be looking back on it fondly.

We are all looking forward eagerly around here to the first breaths of autumn air, and tonight may be the night! We haven’t had a 55 degree night for a few months, but that’s what they are calling for, so the windows have been cracked open and the a/c is off. We plan to sleep well, with the sounds of katydids and screech owls in our ears. Speaking of katydids, how about a poem? I wrote this one the other day purely for a literary exercise, but ended up liking it. Don’t take it to mean that I have actually cut any hayfields recently or ever, because, regretfully, I have not. Still, I hope you will find enjoyment in it as I find enjoyment in sharing it with you:

Today I Cut the Field

Today I cut the field

for hay;

the grass leaves laying

flat upon their stubble,

stems in loose

array

await tomorrow’s session

with the sun.

I’ve laid my tool

aside

aligned my body

with the ground

and now my aching

ankles roll and pop;

I’ll not restrict them!

boots and hot

socks stripped away.

Soon evening insects will take up their

crucial toil,

seek out their own

with only sound;

And I will labor

home upon my thighs

and eat

tomatoes while

sighs from the katydids echo the

cadence of the scythe.

While I’m at it, how about another, this one in response to the experience of collecting the aforementioned apples:

Hot Tip: Free Apples!

We turn in the lane, spot the trees, pull aside, apply

the brakes, the engine stops, we’re out and moving: got to

get these apples fast; we only have an hour until dark.

The ladder’s off the roof, the metal tubs are

on the ground, she takes one left I take one right she

sorts through what is lying in the grass I

strip the branches clean.

Picking fast the first

few minutes are a blur I’ve

eyes for only apples—leaves and twigs are in then

out of view—but not

for long…I soon

Slow down my heart, begin to

hear the apples clunking on the metal, see

my daughter give one to my lover in

the waning light. I’m

breathing deeper now.

Buckles releasing, belts

falling away, we had stepped

out into this evening

but it

took a while for my

mind to leave the car and

join us in the orchard.

Well, thanks for being interested enough in our lives to have read this far. We sometimes wonder if you all actually read these letters, but we occasionally catch indications that indeed you do, so we keep writing them. And please don’t take the fact that we send them to a whole list at once to mean that we aren’t interested in what’s going on in each of your particular lives. I’ll even confess to being embarrassingly interested in the weather at your place, and especially as that affects your gardens’ success or lack thereof. So write or call whenever you want about whatever you want. We love hearing from each of you! With love, Jason for the whole Myers-Benner family

3 children and 2 adults - Outnumbered!

Greetings from Mount Joy, PA! We are at my folks this weekend after a VERY short visit to Jason’s home area to return the twins to their parents, catch a bit of Ethan’s softball game and enjoy a whirlwind visit with Mom and Dad Benner and Christie. We are now in Mount Joy for Meryl Reist’s wedding (one of my other “sisters” from growing up on Longenecker Road). Right now, Kali is out with Grandpa Myers visiting Grandma who is at a Dream Ride fundraiser for Compeer (she didn’t want Mommy or Daddy to come with her…). I find myself every two minutes or so looking around to find where she is and what she might be getting into, only to then remind myself that it is just me at the computer and Jason lying on the couch reading a National Geographic. I don’t have anyone I need to be looking out for right now and I can relax. It’s an unusual feeling. You might be wondering why…

Last Friday (July 20^th), Ethan, Jenn, Joshua and Sabrina arrived for a much anticipated visit. Ethan, Jason’s brother, worked with Jason for a good part of the weekend laying the slate on our porches out front. Jenn and I hung out with Joshua and Sabrina (7 years old) and Kali and made sure everyone was happy, fed and entertained. It was a weekend full of activity and laughter. The fun was lessened for me mainly by the fact that Kali picked up some weird bug earlier in the week that decided to manifest itself on no other day that that of their arrival.

Friday afternoon she spiked her first fever and visibly wilted. I gave her medicine which took the fever down and she went to sleep without trouble around 9pm, only to wake soon after midnight crying and very hot. When I picked her up to take her to the potty she complained of her head. So a fever and a headache without many other presenting symptoms… We were concerned of course about one of the worst case scenarios (meningitis) so called our on-call doctor who recommended we take her in. So the 2^nd half of our night was spent in the ER. We got home around 5am tired but also relieved. We were impressed by all the nurses and doctors we came into contact with and were grateful for their thorough questioning and the time they took with us. We learned from friends later who work in the ER that there are some doctors who will go right away to do the most aggressive diagnostic testing (which in this case would have included a spinal tap). Instead Kali only had to endure giving a urine sample, a throat culture, and a suppository (to bring her fever down, since she had lost all of her stomach contents since we had left home including the oral fever reducer we tried to give her). She did quite well and we knew the medicine was working when she stopped cuddling and started jabbering about everything in the room.

She improved steadily over the next couple of days though she wilted more quickly and was completely worn out by evening trying to keep up with her big cousins. She did one face plant on the driveway when trying to keep up with their long legs tearing down the driveway to the mailbox, but that was the worst injury that occurred (for which we were very grateful).

Ethan and Jenn left Sunday afternoon and for the following four days Jason and I experienced being outnumbered by children in our household for the first time. We come away from that time very grateful for the quality time spent with one of our nephews and one of our nieces and for all the good memories created in our times together. I think we also realized a bit how our birth order in our families of origin may have contributed a bit to how we experienced the week. For Jason having more little ones running around with large amounts of energy to expend felt very natural (thanks Anna, Christie and Emily!). For me it was a bit more foreign being the baby in my family. Jason described it as energizing and exhausting. While I agree with that assessment I think he got a larger share of the energy and I the exhaustion. J I’m also a worrier and so Kali’s illness had me a bit more uptight than I would have otherwise been. And I’m sure the little one growing inside of me contributed some to my feeling of being drained of energy. I also tend to wake about every hour at night when I’m feeling responsible for other people.

Mealtimes were very entertaining for all. I have to admit that I think I would enjoy working in a restaurant. I like finding things that people enjoy and making them to order – which I did a fair amount of. And there was no lack of conversation around the dinner table J Joshua and Sabrina even discovered that their taste buds had grown up about a number of foods! Of course it didn’t hurt that all week our neighbor Charles continued to bless us with a bountiful amount of fresh fruits and veggies to enjoy. While we are enjoying some of the veggies from our garden, Charles has been keeping us very well stocked with string beans, cucumbers, yellow squash, tomatoes and recently cantaloupes that even Jason enjoyed!! As we got ready to leave this week he commented that he wasn’t sure what he’d do without us for a weekend. And Dad was probably right when he joked this morning that probably Charles will bring us a bunch of veggies upon our return because we let him take care of our chickens while we were gone. That is just how he is – one of the very most generous people I’ve ever met. I know he gets a kick out of Kali and enjoys having her around and us as neighbors – so maybe it is a win-win situation!

Joshua, Sabrina, Kali and I enjoyed making lots of gingerbread cookies on Wednesday which we consumed many of, but also took some to Charles and our other neighbors. Some of the other activities enjoyed during the week were: countless games of Mastermind, many Yahtzee games, playing with Kali’s toys and reading books together, stints outside swinging in the hammock and going for walks, doing some garden chores with Jason, picking and eating wineberries, collecting the eggs, an outing to the park, etc… By the end of each day, I think all of us had that good tired feeling and it didn’t take long for the little ones to fall asleep. Jason and I were both tired too but found ourselves staying up most nights for a good hour recounting the events of the day and laughing at the antics of the little ones under our care!

Well, I feel I could write on and on about the week but July has had other special moments. We also enjoyed an overnight visit from my nephew Jordon (10 years old). He was in VA for basketball camp at EMU being hosted mostly by Karen and Sue. However, they shared him for a evening/night with us!! He was so sweet with Kali and she was obviously thrilled to have him around. It was cute to see them play games together (despite the almost 7 year span in ages). She also seemed to want to imitate him – when he put crackers on his zucchini with cheese she soon was crumbling crackers on her cucumber salad J We also enjoyed picking some blueberries together and playing the Bean game as many times as Jordon could find time to squeeze a game in!

For those of you that haven’t gotten the most recent Drimpy update – we learned about 3 weeks ago that Kali will be joined by a little sister. All seems to be going well. Despite my not feeling as much movement as I would like, they struggled to get her feet still enough to get a picture of them for the ultrasound. She is on the tiny side right now but my uterus size is right on track and they aren’t concerned about her growth. She does have a small amount of urine retention in one of her kidneys which calls for a 3^rd trimester ultrasound to follow up on. While I would have hoped to have nothing that needed follow up the ultrasound technician was very reassuring in letting us know that she sees 3-4 babies a week with this and in most cases it is fine when they follow it up later on in the pregnancy. She also assured us that if you have to have something looked at a second time, have it be this. And my Mom’s saying of “there is no big loss without some small gain” applies in this situation since ultrasounds continue to fascinate me like nothing else and I’ve never had a 3^rd trimester ultrasound before…

So we are dreaming of another little girl in our home. On the way up to PA Jason and I were reading through a baby names book and still haven’t found much that we like more than the initial girl name we were working with. For now it looks like Nora Lynne is near the top of our list. We found one other one we really like in the book (Rhea or probably preferably spelled Ria). We are living with a few options, checking them out with Kali, and thankful we still have a few months left before needing to graduate officially from Drimpy.

There are a number of reasons we are glad to have a few months left. Probably at the top of the list is a still hopeful feeling that maybe, just maybe we can pull off getting the front room done. My projections would say it is unlikely, Jason’s optimism would say we can do it. I hope very much his optimism wins. We are trying to carve out as much time to free him up to work as we can, while also trying to continue to live and enjoy times together in the process. It is one reason weekends like this are good to be away from the project and have nothing to do other than to be together. I found I enjoyed the car ride north more than I normally do and it was partly just being in close proximity to each other (okay, it was also nice to have all 3 children in close proximity too with no possibility of running out of my sight before I could stop them).

Well, I am already on page three and my hands could keep flying over the keys. Life has felt full, tiring, exciting, bountiful, etc… I feel like sometimes it is hard for me to take it all in. I find that especially as I try to soak in the miracle of Kali’s almost 4 years of life with the miracle of the 5 month old little one growing inside of me. And I continue to wonder how our lives will be transformed by this new one in as many ways as Kali has transformed our lives and our home over the last 4 years. We will be celebrating her birthday in less than 3 weeks and a special part of that day will be that an incubator full of about 40 eggs in our home will have chicks hatching on that day! Samuel offered to let us keep the incubator at our home so that we could enjoy the process and since I have also never seen chicks hatch we quickly agreed. He brought it down Wednesday and told me to check my calendar for 3 weeks from that day to be sure we would be around. I couldn’t help feeling VERY excited to see that the day landed on a Wednesday when I don’t work AND on Kali’s 4^th birthday. So she’ll be sharing her birthday with lots of little fuzz balls!!

Enough rambling until next time, Janelle

Garden musings and more...

Dear Family and Friends,

A thunderstormy evening has me in the house writing this letter to you. There are weeds to root out in the tomato bed and the next baby step in completing our front room to work on, but neither are easily compatible with wet conditions. So here I am.

I have the feeling that as the years pass on this place, I will come to appreciate more and more the changes of pace that weather can bring to people whose activities are affected by its vagrancies. Living a life for which weather mattered has been a life goal of mine. I feel fortunate that our present state of being reflects a degree of success in achieving this goal.

It makes sense, I suppose, to talk about what’s on my mind: gardening, chickens, building project, parenting, community building, politics, quantum physics at its intersection with theology…ok, so I’ll have to pare it down a little; my mind is always pretty full! We’ll start with the gardens.

Kali has been such a good garden helper this year! At least 90 percent of the gardening I’ve done on the property this year has been done while I am caring for her here at home. At times she sticks with me for two hours straight as we clear weeds, prepare soil, edge beds, plant seeds, water plants, etc. At other times she helps by playing in the sand pile while I accomplish something that fails to excite her interest at the moment. Her favorite task is probably planting bean and pea seeds with a length of copper pipe. We use a pipe so that I can specify (with my end of the pipe) where the seed ends up, while she can have the important job of putting the actual seed in her end. Also the seed rolling down the pipe makes a fun sound.

Anyway the pea seeds we dutifully planted in the cool weather of spring and protected from critters as they grew are now rewarding our care with daily pickings of sweet, crunchy sugar snaps. We also were richly rewarded with our first major planting of spinach. Six forty-foot rows yielded uncounted salads for us and friends plus around 10 pounds for the freezer. Since this was soil that hadn’t been tilled for probably 25 years, I was fairly impressed with the harvest. In that same area the tomatoes are growing quite well. Some Kali and I started from seed and some were given to us by a neighbor. Both have been saved from mortal danger by way of an electric fence for the deer, but we’ll see if the groundhogs let us have any ripe tomatoes. The rabbit that spends virtually all of its time there has caused little damage so far (we caged the spinach and edamame soybeans), and has actually become quite unafraid of my presence. It seems to like to sit on the bare soil in the “three sisters” bed (cucumbers and squash, sweet corn, and Grandma Bucher’s beans). I think the soil is warmer there in the evenings after the sun has beaten down on it all day.

The rabbit in the little garden has become even tamer, allowing me within six feet of it at times. I have said to myself that one of these days I’m tempted to take a net with me and try my luck. Maybe it’s the profusion of clover in the paths between beds keeping this rabbit busy (plus its respect for wire barriers on the susceptible crops) that has kept its damage level low. The only thing it totally mowed off were the carrot tops and some prize red oak leaf lettuce, but caging them has allowed a full recovery. The local groundhog is not as timid about pushing over wire cages. So far its damage has amounted to more or less one full salad, but who knows where it will stop. Nothing bothers the garlic, of course, and we are seeing a good harvest. The last thing to go in the ground will be sweet potato starts, which I hope to plant tomorrow, June 20, which is either the last day of spring or the first day of summer, I think.

In chicken news, we’ve seen a few thin-shelled eggs (which encourages egg-eating by the hens) with the chickens eating so much vegetation. But the grass, leaves, and bugs translate into healthy eggs, so we’re not about to limit their access. We just have to learn how to deal with it. I butchered three hens on Sunday (the culling process) and we had chicken gravy on waffles—a Myers family tradition—last evening for supper made from the canned meat. If we do say so ourselves, it was mighty tasty! I really think that pasture access makes a huge difference in chicken health and that translates into improved table quality. We are surprising ourselves in one way with our chickens: we find that the meat we get from them is about as important as the eggs (and probably somewhat healthier to eat). We find that canned and frozen chicken meat and broth disappear quickly from the pantry shelf and freezer. This makes me think that my choice of a breed to stick with will be affected by the following priorities: good meat from big, healthy birds that can rustle grub effectively from a pasture, are easy to butcher and lay a decent quantity of eggs without going through exorbitant quantities of feed. My three primary candidates for the job currently are Buckeyes (we have 8 hens and 2 roosters of this breed), Chanticlers (a Quebecois breed known for cold weather endurance), and Cornish (the all-around gourmet eating champ, and the most common chicken around central and south American homesteads).

All of the previous news and reflections are what I’d rather be spending my work time on, but that is not to be for a few more months. We have a room to finish. But the woodstove metal chimney cap is in, the soffits, fascia, and porch ceilings are up, and the footer has been re-exposed for the installation of a foundation drain. It’s progress. Janelle is the cook (with Kali as her assistant) at her department’s “curriculum camp” again this year and will be going away for a few days to Mom and Dad Myers’ Mountain House starting tomorrow, so that should provide an opportunity for me to get something more accomplished. We are feeling that adding the pressure of a big party to celebrate the house and our 31^st/29^th birthdays is going to be unwise for this fall, so regrettably we are not currently planning on doing that after all. Rest assured we WILL find an excuse to have a big party as soon as we feel ready. We need to focus on finishing the project with enough time to do a good job of moving in before the baby comes!

And when that happens, we anticipate a change of pace and focus. It will be cold and inhospitable outside for the first few months of the baby’s life, but we hope it will be a sort of springtime for our family. We want to take the time we feel it will deserve to help us all transition to our new family configuration, and to get to know the new one. I wrote a poem the other day that I will share with you:

Circle

Those many pairs of eyes

those hands

those smiling lips

are all for

you.

Are you chilled? Find here warm arms.

Have you thirst? Among us you will find a breast.

Your skin needs touch, your mind must feel

us notice

you.

We are here. We were waiting. You are

no burden. You are

a fire for us to stand around; we make

a place for

you.

The circle referred to in this poem includes all of you, each in your own way. Thank you for being our community.

Love, Jason

Kali's first trip without Mommy and Daddy

May 25, 2007

Dear Family and Friends,

It’s 6:15pm on a Friday evening and Jason and I are sitting at two computers at my work typing away quietly. One of my colleagues just walked in and of course asked, “where’s Kali??” You might be wondering too since we said that we were sitting here quietly. J Last night around 8:30pm we watched Kali head out of our driveway waving happily out from Grandma and Grandpa Myers’ car. I, on the other hand, was sobbing!!

We’ve been anticipating this weekend for months now and I was consumed with pure excitement about it until about a month or two ago when I realized the time was quickly approaching and what it really meant – I wasn’t going to see Kali for THREE days. All of a sudden I was flooded with emotions that I didn’t even know exactly how to name initially, which has led to some good reflecting for me.

While Kali is safely in West Virginia obviously having the time of her life (she didn’t even want to say hello to me on the phone this morning because she and Grandma were already busily reading her Ladybug magazine) and in wonderful hands of caring grandparents, her being away from us has given me the context in which to think about our life with Kali and our life without Kali. Jason and I both agreed last night on a teary walk as I pulled myself together that we think one of the main fruits of this time apart from Kali (and our time the two of us together) will be an overwhelming sense of gratefulness for our lives together the three of us – and an excitement to see how our lives will soon be transformed once again by Drimpy’s entrance into the mix.

I’ve found myself thinking about parents who lose children early in life and wondering where they draw the strength to go on. I felt completely silly as I walked into Kali’s room last evening to feed the fish and shut the window with these incredible feelings of sappiness at the fact that I wouldn’t be spending time in that room for the weekend. It makes me realize how Kali is so closely woven into the fabric of our lives. It’s not the major things that I miss so much as the little ways that she is part of my day – the pitter patter of her feet as she comes out to greet me in the morning, her kisses and hugs to fill up my “kiss and hug tank,” her holding my finger as we walk down to the mailbox together, her noises (laughter, singing, shrieking, questions and endless storytelling), and the list could go on and on!

But, before you think that Jason and I are sitting around the house mourning her absence, I better add a bit more to this letter. I allowed myself to fully feel my emotions last night and woke up a fair number of times last night realizing there wasn’t any way that I could check on her before falling back to sleep. However, this morning I woke up feeling eager to enjoy the novelty of being just Jason and I around our home. Jason headed out to take care of the chickens and pick spinach/lettuce and hang a load of laundry while I got 3 large batches of bread going (the start of baking that I’ll mostly be doing tomorrow for Tim Godshall and Virginia Showalter’s wedding Sunday). Then while it was rising Jason and I went out for a run together (okay, a blob jog together since that is about the best I can do these days with Drimpy sharing my oxygen supply). Jason then worked on the house while I finished up the bread. Shortly after lunch we headed into town where we have been every since. We have spent more money today then I would like to admit but also got a lot accomplished (our woodstove for the front room is ordered, I’ve acquired a few more maternity clothes from Goodwill, we picked up the slate for our porches, we’ve ordered all the lighting for the front room/porches and we stopped at about 5 other places for random supplies). We ended at Bombay Courtyard (and Indian restaurant) in late celebration of our 8^th wedding anniversary.

As soon as I get this letter off to you (it may be shorter than usual for this reason J), we plan to head home for a walk before dark and maybe even to play a game and enjoy some decaf coffee and leftover carrot cake (Jason) and Kline’s ice cream (Janelle). Then some sleep so I’m ready to bake the remaining 300 rolls tomorrow!!

So, yes, we are having fun – maybe not as much fun as Kali, but fun none-the-less. And it sounds like Grandma and Grandpa aren’t having a half bad time either. We are glad they are able to enjoy this time of creating special memories together and we are doing the same.

Speaking of people spending time with Kali, we were blessed to have (aunt) Emily stay with us for the past several weeks. Kali was thrilled to have one of her favorite playmates in residence again and we were too. And I can’t help but admit that she also gives AMAZING foot rubs (complete with a machete file!), of which I benefited from her last evening with us. We will miss her presence with us as she transitions to living in DC and continuing her work as a Spanish medical interpreter.

Our good friend Jen (now Saner-Harvey), has also gifted all of us with spending a day a week with Kali the last two weeks and the coming two. Jen usually calls me within about 10 minutes of me dropping Kali off to tell me the first cute thing of the day Kali said. They seem to be mutually enjoying spending time together – walking in a cow pasture, going to Mr J’s for bagel bites, making breakfast in which Kali got to stir the eggs ON THE PAN, reading stories, falling asleep (for the first time since she turned 3) on the couch listening to music, going for a long walk and visits to the park, doing errands, being a “helper” around the house, and in general entertaining Jen as she does us with her cute voice and imaginative narration of the world around her and all the little stories budding in her mind.

Well, I think it is about time to wrap this up. As this month comes to a close I feel really grateful that work has slowed to an at least somewhat manageable rate. The Summer Peacebuilding Institute is halfway over and so by now we have the routine down pretty well. I’m actually getting to some projects that have been in the wings for some time. This summer will be full of transitions as I will be moving offices and we will be preparing for our co-director, Ruth, to leave us for a 6 year term with MCC in India in September. And then I’ll be out come November caring for a new little one in our family.

I should note that the second trimester so far has been luxurious compared to the first. I have renewed energy, food tastes and smells good and is fun to prepare again, my belly is starting to give Drimpy’s presence away which is fun and I’m just feeling more generally positive about life. We’ll see what the third trimester brings (at least that will be mostly when cooler weather is also coming).

Love to all of you, Janelle