Food processing fun & moments of remembering

We've had a good and special two days at home, doing one of the things I love to do most in the world - food processing! Yesterday we got a taste of what we've dreamed of doing in our home - putting up food with friends, utilizing the luxury of having not one but two kitchens. Our good friends James, Donna and Ella, along with two more of their family members, joined us to process 16 dozen ears of corn. Believe it or not, we also managed to squeeze in two rather relaxing sit down meals and a mini-birthday celebration for their just-turned-5-year old (Ella) and our almost-5-year old (Kali).

After they left, we finished up the last gravel shoveling on our parking space so that we are ready for the next 12 ton load of smaller gravel that will arrive first thing tomorrow morning. That will be one of Kali and Jason's project for this week, as we have set a very loosely held goal of having the front walk done in time for our small birthday gathering for Kali.

I was up late last evening continuing my project of backdating and uploading our old updates onto this blog. It's so interesting to see other aspects of my personality manifested in this process. I've always been one to be able to watch the same movie multiple times and somehow manage to be affected by any level of suspense each time I watch it. I know the outcome but it still impacts me somehow. Last night I passed the point where Nora had plateaued in weight and we had begun to investigate the feeding tube option, I started taking her to work, we were completely exhausted and were so hopeful that just around the bend things would start to get better. I didn't want to keep reading and yet I needed to know what happened next and then I would remind myself that I know the ending of this story. The emotions still seem so fresh and at the surface. And I can be taken back to those moments months ago where our hopes would rise and fall with each feeding, each weight check, each spit up... As I read, I can't help but wonder what other possible outcomes were out there. I think Jason and I both feel fairly certain that Nora did not have genetic potential for a long life. But it's hard not to wonder what other roads we could have traveled with her. We don't spend a lot of time dwelling on it and mostly think about how much we miss her and for me sometimes I feel panicky when I feel memories slipping from me.

I've found my thoughts in Canada a lot this weekend as Dr. Braddock (the geneticist we worked with for the duration of Nora's life), presenting on Nora at a conference there. I've thought about how we hoped this would shed some light on our journey and help us find our way in parenting her well. And for some reason, now, I wish so much that those talking about her and the syndrome she had, would be able to get a taste for how fully she lived parts of her very brief life. How sweet her smile and coos were. How amazing she was with her little wrinkled hands.

Kali heard us talk a lot about Nora today and she clearly was listening a good part of the time. We enjoyed a long visit with Jason's cousin and his wife who currently live in Canada. They came with art supplies for Kali and a rose in memory of Nora, along with expressions of care and support and interest in our journey past and present.

After they left we had a monumental moment. We completely moved into our front room - actually did Jason's "master plan" for that space. He put the final cupboard doors on and we unpacked glasses that we had received as a wedding present almost 10 years ago that we had decided to not open and use until we were in our "permanent" home. It was a good feeling. Now as soon as Jason's builds our dining room table to fit 12, we'll be all prepared with new glasses!!

We topped off the evening doing a batch of dill pickles together, having brownie sundaes and fruit bestowed upon us by various neighbors and two games of Swap (Kali's new favorite). At one point Kali was at the table enjoying a purple plum from Samuel and Margaret's trees. I love when we get a glimpse into her little mind. She piped up at one point, starting to say that Nora will like these when she gets older. It was the first time I can remember her catching herself by saying that "Nora will" do or like something when she gets bigger. She quickly and without any awkwardness fixed her sentence midstream to say that "Nora would have liked them." It simultaneously broke my heart and warmed it to hear her talk so naturally about her baby sister, still thinking of what things in life she wanted to give her a taste of. We do too, every day.

Through the Valley

I’m savoring some quiet moments here this morning as the rest of the family is still slumbering. It was a more restless night of sleep for me, with dreams and more frequent waking, not to attend to anyone or anything other than my swirling thoughts and emotions. It seems that both Jason and I find ourselves lately in a place of high emotion and deep sadness. I guess it should come as no surprise that we miss Nora. Jason did some writing late last night, as I was reading Kali to sleep and then myself shortly thereafter.

I want to let Jason’s writings end this update as for me his poem needs to be the final word for today. Before that, I wanted to let you all know that we will be sending more infrequent updates. BUT we are actually writing more often and in smaller snippets and with more pictures interspersed. That is, I’ve entered the world of “blogging.” It is very much a work in progress but you are welcome to check it out anytime. We may occasionally still send updates/writings to the list but more likely we will allow those of you wanting a window into our lives to check for recent postings when you find your thoughts going our direction. I have made it that at the bottom of the home page you can “subscribe” to the blog. I’m still VERY new to this but we have wanted a place to put all out updates and pictures of Nora all together. I’m working at archiving all the older updates and it is quite the journey for me to re-read them all. I’m currently at the most hopeful updates of Nora when she had just crested 6lbs and all were feeling good about her progress and we were adjusting to having a different baby than we had dreamed, but a sweet and healthy one. I’ve lived the whole thing and yet I find myself anxious to read on knowing now that this is just the calm before the storm.

So feel free to check it out at www.myersbenner.blogspot.com and feel free to add comments there or email us directly (I’m still figuring out the comments part myself). There are 6 short postings there since our last update, which should get you pretty much up to date on our lives. Now to Jason:

“I felt exhausted and testy and sad this evening, and when I had a few minutes to myself in the car my thoughts immediately went to Nora. You would think that I would have relished the time away from our home place, having spent the vast bulk of my time here for many weeks now, toiling away in solitude (usually) at our various projects. But I needed to get home. Some poetry had been brooding and brewing all day, and it was time to hatch it and drink it.

Our home has space and green and natural. I can deal with nature because I can see nature (to be specific, “self-organizing” nature, as I have recently heard it called). And nature is simultaneously the specter that needs to be dealt with and the comfort I seek. In the city and suburbs everything is controlled, or looks like it’s controlled, but control is, in the end, a sham. Or at least it’s incomplete. Like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to the places where there is less control. It may hurt to put my finger on it, but it depresses me and produces anxiety when there are layers of removal between me and it. It is the cold, clear stream that hurts my skin when I touch it, but to which I return to drink.”

Jason writes: These excerpted paragraphs have been touched up a little this morning to make them more sensible, since last night’s writing was something of a disgorgement. It’s still kind of raw in form, but that’s o.k. Here is one of the poems I was working on. Poems are never really finished, as I’ve heard a poet say, just abandoned. But at a certain point the poet becomes willing to make the work public. The others are not ready.

Through the Valley

Our trail led down into the gorge.
We harbored fear, but had no choice;
love’s rod was always there to prod us on.

Step by worried step,
we carried you for miles, always hoping
for the path to strike an upward tack
and lead us through and out; we wandered there
so very long.

In meadows green we laid us down and, choking, drank the
brimming chalice of our sorrow by the cool and quiet river’s bank,
for it was there we learned we could not take you with us any further, nor
could we remain.

Kneeling at the water’s edge, the best that we could do
for you was weave a basket, lay you in, and send
you on your way. You couldn’t know we didn’t leave, but watched
that basket float until it passed the bend, would be there
still if love had not reached
out to nudge us with
a gentle staff.

* * * * * * * * *

This path is leading out and through, but without you:
Oh, empty arms! Looking back toward where we’ve been I feel
the pain and smell the smoke of hopes becoming ashes, yet I know
that this is right: these labored steps, my aching hips, love’s
leading toward the light. And there is this: at night
I dream of palaces that lie beyond the bend; I see
some bathing goddess reaching out to
lift you from the rushes.

Jason Myers-Benner
August 8, 2008

Date Night

A fun "date night" was had by all!! Jason and I decided on our last "date" where we ate at a restaurant and meandered around town, that the next one would be at home doing what we love doing not what we feel we "should" do to make it a "date." So we canned peaches and pasta sauce. FUN!! The timing was special as today marked Jason and I's 10 year engagement anniversary.

Meanwhile, Kali was having her last "date" with Kristin, Phoebe and Carl before turning 5, one week from tomorrow. She enjoyed a picnic at a local park, entertaining and being entertained by Phoebe, and returning to their home in time for banana splits. Jason and I were just sitting down to dinner at 9pm when she arrived home and she thought it was funny that she got to have two dinners, and she enthusiastically gobbled some of the chicken Jason had going in the crockpot all day.

Jason and I just ended our evening (Kali sacked out for once during stories) watching our favorite video clip of Nora that Aunt Anna captured for us. I love remembering her so full of life!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii2dvShwo5c

I'm thankful for Nora!

When I was pregnant, whenever we went around the table to say what we were thankful for, Kali always said, "I'm thankful for Drimpy (her chosen name for the baby)." When Nora was born, she changed it slightly and always said, "I'm thankful for Nora." Tonight at dinner we went around to say what we were thankful for from our day. We haven't done it quite as often since Nora died. Kali decided on, "I'm thankful for camp" but then quickly added that it was the only thing she could think of. It was one of those moments where I just wanted a glimpse into what she was thinking but I didn't want to pry. I asked her what she had wanted to say. She only confirmed that she could only think of camp so that was why she said that. We went on to another conversation. About 2 minutes later she said, "I wish I could have said Nora." What to say other than "us too."

It's not many days that I enter the house alone after work and to an empty house. Kali was very interested in what Daddy was doing with the edging bricks on the front walk when we got home so she busied herself getting dirty and "helping." I came in alone to start yogurt, make a creamed soup from our endless supply of overly big zucchini, yellow squash and green beans and other odds and ends around the house. But it wasn't long before I was standing in our bedroom in front of the picture we have of Kali holding a very happy, full of life, baby Nora. I couldn't help but talk to her and allow the tears to flow once again. I miss her...

Kali's back out at the rock pile and my two blisters are questioning the wisdom of spreading more stone but I don't want to miss the cooling off of the evening and working alongside Jason and Kali. But I'll wear gloves this time!

Triplets and Gravel

We just came inside after starting to spread out our 24,000 pounds of gravel that was delivered today from Frazier Quarry. Another good family task to do together. I, of course, dove right in and worked up a sweat within minutes and didn't use gloves so had two blisters within the hour. Jason comes along with gloves and works steadily long past when Kali moved on to filling her shoes and socks with dirt and I to snipping beans by the hammock so could enjoy Kali's chatter and the sound of gravel filling in the holes between rocks on the parking space.

We got home around 7pm after spending about 4 hours with some of our new favorite little people! We picked up Kali from "mask-making camp" and headed to visit the triplets. I brought along dinner for us to enjoy together and Jason got to meet Charlie, Addison and Carina for the first time. They are such special little people, and it doesn't hurt that we really enjoy interacting with their parents too.

Of course being with them reminds us of Nora. Charlie reached for Jason's beard and I'm quite sure it is the first time since Nora that he had a baby playing with his beard. A bitter sweet moment for me to observe. But other moments are filled with so much pleasure - watching Kali play with Carina and see Carina's keen interest in her every move, me holding Carina while she slept in my arms, watching Charlie blow bubbles and be his charming self, watching Addison sacked out in her swing, not even able to rouse to get her turn at the Itsy Bitsy Spider before we left, and the list could go on. I'm so glad to get to soak up some of their baby energy and get my baby "cuddle tank" filled up occasionally.

It's been harder than I imagined to stop pumping. Jason reminded me today that one of the first things he remembers me saying after Nora died was, "I want to keep pumping for the triplets." It was like that somehow allowed me to postpone some of the grieving process a bit and also the hormonal change that inevitably comes I assume when a mother stops lactating. For me it feels horribly premature (since Kali nursed until her 3rd birthday) and not at all the process I want to be going through right now. It's not that I'm uncomfortable physically at all. It just hurts. It feels wrong. And I get this panicky feeling at least once daily about "drying up." And then I have to remind myself that I don't have any baby to feed and that it is okay.

Another day is coming to a close. But it shouldn't end before saying "Happy Birthday Ella, our dear little friend. You had a golden birthday today, turning 5 on the 5th!" And our little Kali will soon be following in 10 days from today. She'll have to pull off a ring of her birthday count down chain before heading to bed. She's finishing up her bath, which was much needed to get her face and the rest of her a different shade from the gray of the gravel and brown of the dirt pile!

"Family" times

Jason is holding on to Kali with one hand so she can't get away and trying to brush her hair with the other. At this rate, I'm likely to finish this posting before her hair is brushed.

The last number of days I've been wanting to write and then another day comes and goes and I think of more things I want to write but forget the thoughts from the previous day. And so life goes.

We have had some special times with Kali lately and with each other. Working together has been good for us. We have 12 tons of stone scheduled for delivery tomorrow to put a several inch layer of small rock over the tons and tons (literally, Dad) of rocks we have hauled over the last several weeks to create a parking space.

Sunday after church we took a picnic lunch down into our woods and ate lunch at the site of the rock pile, which is much diminished.


Kali is in her last week of camp for the summer and hasn't tired of it yet. It feels like a new and special thing for us to see her interacting and developing friendships with other children, independent of her relationship with us.

Nora's absence has been felt pretty keenly in the last number of days, particularly today as we pass the two month mark since we said goodbye to Nora. I miss her more now than I did in previous weeks, not that you can somehow track precisely the feelings of missing someone. I find myself wanting to somehow plead with the universe to give her a chance at this life. As we experience beauty around us and enjoy Kali's almost-5-year-old antics, I hate that Nora doesn't get to be part of it. And I feel sadness that we don't get to watch her grow and change and develop into a little girl and onward. I dreamed my most vivid dream of her last night but she was alive with us holding onto my hands as she practiced pulling herself to a standing position and then plopping down, again and again. I woke up as I was trying to figure out how we were going to reinstate ourselves in all the early intervention services and home health companies I had canceled services with when she died. Not that life isn't already confusing and emotional and then dreams just muddy reality all the more...

Last Meager Offering

You'd think after pumping 5-8 times daily over 7 months and then several times a day for 2 more months, I'd be done. If I don't choose to quit soon, I'll be pumping for next to nothing as it seems my body is no longer fooled by this machine. I've gone from pumping2 full bottles of milk each pumping (12 oz) to working hard for 3 oz.

Over 2000 ounces went to Wake Med Milk Bank and over 3000 to the dear triplets, who I look forward to spending a good part of today with. I feel grateful that the milk that Nora was unable to fully utilize was able to help and nourish other little ones, while at the same time wishing more than anything that she would have been able to grow and thrive as well. As I pumped for one last time this morning I looked through pictures and found some of her nursing. Not even two months have passed since I cradled that little body in my arms. How I crave for that connection, to be able to touch and hold her and nurse her.