Dentists and painful reminders!

July 3, 2008

So I already hate going to the dentist, so I was not starting off in a very good mood. See I still have two baby teeth and one is starting to show that it didn’t intend to be in my mouth for this long. There is nothing underneath to replace it so I’m hoping to coax it along for awhile yet. This afternoon, I found myself sitting in the dreaded chair with half my mouth numb and Dr. Phillips drilling away. He’s joking away as usual with me and his assistant, making mostly jokes related to the radio station on that I didn’t understand. Then he directs a comment to me, “I bet you are ready to get the party going for July 4^th.” It was very tempting to blurt out, “Sure for the one month anniversary of my baby daughter’s death, no thanks!” I’m not sure if it was more my desire to be polite and not take him off guard while he was working on my precious tooth or the drill taking up most of my mouth space, but nevertheless I refrained.

Now the numbness has worn off and I no longer am worried that I’ll bite my lip rather than the blueberries we savored in the patch this evening. Kali, Jason and I went out for a short walk; the first since we arrived home. We watched 5 deer bound off through the field across our driveway and then minutes later two grown deer and two fawns cross the road in front of us. Upon returning home, Jason and I looked at photos my dad had emailed to us of our last day with Nora while listening to the wood thrush singing outside our front room. Life is such a mixture.

Below is a picture taking the afternoon of June 3^rd and the last time that Kali held her baby sister. What struck Jason and I today as we looked at some of those pictures was how exhausted Nora looked in many of them and how tired we felt just looking at them. In the last 4 weeks we have mostly looked at pictures of Nora smiling and at home, free of oxygen. That is primarily how we want to remember her. When I see the pictures of her struggling to thrive and grow and breath, I am flooded again with the helpless feeling I had many times during her life. All that we could give to her wasn’t enough.

Speaking of life being a mixture, I hear Kali in the background reminding me, “Mommy cuddle time.” So thank her for the shortest update yet!! Janelle