Seven months ago and a new year!

I spent the morning at home today journaling and watching our recording of Nora's memorial service. As the holiday break comes to an end and the work and school routine start up again tomorrow, I felt the need for some "all by myself" at home, while Kali and Jason connected with our church community and enjoyed the monthly potluck. It felt like choosing between two things I wanted, but deciding on the one I needed most. While I've enjoyed extended time with Kali, it has not afforded me with an outlet for tears and space for emotions that have been known to build up and then, at times, come out in less healthy ways.

The week we have just spent at home has been special in many ways. We've gotten through our "wish list" of activities just in the nick of time. Kali and I made homemade noodles last night which was a big hit with all three of us. And Curious Hiddley even got his play time in the house. Kali and I enjoyed time outside yesterday due to the very unseasonably warm weather. We spent some time in the hammock reading Ramona the Pest. The hammock often reminds me of times spent with Kali during my bed rest before Nora was born. I recall taking many deep breaths as I looked out at the mountain wondering where I would gain strength for the unknowns of the journey ahead. The deep breaths and gathering up strength for the journey is still a useful exercise.

Two evenings ago Samuel and Margaret joined us for dinner and Samuel brought his dulcimer. I snuggled up in the recliner listening while Jason accompanied him on the guitar and Kali and Margaret read stories on the futon. Samuel's playing will always remind me of Nora and of our time with her at the end of her life. It's beautiful and amazing how that music can take me right back to the hospital room where we cared for Nora just days before she died and particularly the evening that they shared with us there. In an email to my folks I shared, "That evening at UVA with them felt similar to last night - my soul felt fed, I felt close and near to my deepest feelings and my deepest desires for my life, I felt accepted and loved and close to my home, neighbors and family. All things I hope to nurture and feed and replicate in many moments of my life!"

I felt some of the same feelings today as I watched the service we had for Nora and read through the book of all those that were present with us that day. Through tears, I felt surges of gratefulness for people who have walked with us while also wondering how we nurture and invest in our community as we move forward.

This year past has been one of the messiest of my life. My feelings are not neatly packaged into easily contained portions. My responses to events, people, circumstances surprises me sometimes. Emotions are stirred up by predictable and unpredictable triggers. I am saddened by the ways my grief process has at times alienated those I love, while thankful for new and meaningful relationships that have sprung up from the surprisingly fertile soil of my grief. I haven't yet lost my tendency to like to have things laid out in a way that I can plan for, but I find that I'm more interested in growing in my ability to take life as it comes, finding the beauty in the difficulties.

As Jason and I look to the coming year, we see many things to feel excited about. We feel daunted by other challenges. We imagine our writings expanding more to include new dreams as we develop them and they begin unfolding. No doubt our grief process will be ever evolving and changing and impacting us. We may share snippets of that from time to time on this blog. We envision that being less frequent in the next 7 months than it has been in the previous.

For our faithful readers of this blog we want to be sure to clarify one thing: lack of frequent updates in this public space by no means indicates that we are "moving on" or no longer wish to talk about Nora. Nothing but that!! It means that we wish to put more emphasis and value on personal interaction with people about our journey and also long for more give and take and interaction with others about our thoughts and process and how that weaves with their own. As I journey through this experience of loss, I'm finding that my understandings of loss and grief are ever widening. I want our ways of living and being in the world without Nora to encourage others to share their experiences of grief with us. We are not yet sure of what mechanisms for sharing will be most conducive towards reaching that goal.

We have both taken the plunge and joined up with Facebook. You can find us there and we may occasionally post pictures in that space. We don't envision that being a place where we invest large amounts of time or share in depth about our lives. While we have had to hone our online communication skills somewhat over the past year and a half, we look forward to working more at what seems to potentially be a soon lost art of face-to-face communication.

I hope that this blog will continue to be helpful for persons who land upon it. We want the focus of it to continue to be a tribute to Nora's life, the love that we shared with her and the ways her life has impacted and continues to impact ours.