Monitoring and more monitoring...

It’s Friday evening just before 9pm – Kali is still chattering and occasionally coughing from the next room (the two of us are at the tail end of colds) and I’m doing my best to recline slightly on the left side while starting this letter to all of you. Jason is in the front room working on cutting knots out of our flooring to get ready for a second day of laying the floor. I’m going to risk annoying a few of you with yet another long letter and send this to all of you that received our last letter about a week and a half ago. However, please let us know if you would prefer to not be on our email list of updates as I know they may come more frequently in the coming weeks than they normally do.

While we have not been able to respond to all the emails we have received from many of you we have felt loved and supported by those near and far and for that we are very, very grateful. And we have also started to feel real tangible symbols of support from neighbors and members of our church and local community by way of visits to play with Kali, taking Kali on a special outing, bringing food, bringing a meal and staying to visit, coming to help out Jason in the front room, emails of care and concern, phone calls, etc… While it is hard for us to admit it, we feel the need for help and are making it our commitment to not turn it down during this time!

For those of you who knew of our appointment today and are wanting me to get to the point and give the baby update let me start with that and then you can choose whether or not to read further. Picking up where our last letter left off:

Friday, September 14: we had an ultrasound and appointment with one of the midwives (Barbara). They did not measure her growth since it had only been 4 days since they had done that exact thing at UVA. They did the doppler flow studies and the biophysical profile and once again she did fine on both (good forward doppler flow and she scored an 8/8 on her biophysical). For once we didn’t really receive too much new news, but did confirm that I was to stop working and move to a slightly modified form of bed rest (trying to spend at least 10 hours in bed at night – preferably on my left side – as well as 2 hours in the morning, afternoon and evening). The remainder of the hours of my day are to be spent resting as much as possible – though I was given permission to do small things around the house like get a meal on, hang out some laundry, and even go as far as walking to get the mail as long as those things are well couched in rest.

And that is what I’ve been attempting to follow this week. I’ve seen more of our hammock, the futon, Kali’s bed, the recliner and our bed than I ever have before. Kali and I have read lots of stories, played lots of Mastermind and other games, and I’ve eaten lots of varieties of “sand cakes” that she has made for me while I recline in the hammock. She’s been a trooper, even though we know these changes are felt by her too.

Tuesday, September 18: the next NST (non-stress test). My mom arrived Sunday evening and spent Monday and Tuesday with us which was wonderful. She significantly decreased the number of dust bunnies in our home, played with Kali, cooked for us, and was physically present which was good for me. She played with Kali while I was on the monitor at the midwives Tuesday. I think our baby girl is starting to know Shenandoah Women’s Healthcare because she starts to move and squirm the minute they put that gel on me and they start monitoring her. She got nicknamed “squirmy” this week by one of the nurses. She made getting a good reading difficult, particularly when she got the hiccups which interrupted the heartbeat reading. But she had great accelerations and once again “passed.” I was sent home to continue what I’d been doing and to wait for today’s ultrasound and check up on growth. And an anxious several days that was for me.

Today, Friday, September 21: we had an ultrasound with the same studies they are doing each week and in addition to that checking her growth and then met with Donna for our midwife appointment. Once again good doppler flow, though they did note that the systolic pressure was just a bit elevated compared to other times. At this point it still is good and forward flowing and not a problem but may be a tiny sign that it is possible things could start changing in a direction we would rather they not go (and would require early delivery if they determine she would be better off outside than inside). She got an 8/8 again by moving lots, showing her new found breathing skills (and sucking which she seems to like to do), having plenty of fluid and the placenta also looking healthy. But, she’s still tiny!

Her head is still the closest to “normal range” and has grown. Her little leg bones have also grown but are still several weeks behind and her midsection is also weeks behind and actually did not show growth since our UVA appointment. She is still well under 3 lbs by the ultrasound estimate (about 2lb 7oz). My uterus is also measuring slightly small, though it has grown some as well. And there are still really no clear answers as to the cause of the delays. It seems we are still facing a whole huge hopeful and incredibly scary range of possibilities. We will continue to go to the midwives two times a week and have our next follow up appointment at UVA on Monday, October 1^st. Until then the only specific advice I have to follow is to do nothing as much as possible and to eat more.

So how are we doing? I should probably let Jason speak for himself! While we are definitely in this journey together, I think our day to day experience of it all has been very different. And I think that he also tends to be just a bit more steady than I am! I think the best metaphor for me right now is a “yo-yo.” And a yo-yo that goes from level down and then back to level. I can’t say I’m experiencing many “high” moments these days but sometimes I get glimpses of feeling like myself, feeling like I can do this, feeling like our family will make it through this time, feeling like somehow I will find the strength to not just survive this but to thrive… But I will be honest to say that at least for now, I am experiencing a lot more doubts, sadness, letting go of dreams and expectations, fear for what the future holds for me, for Kali, for this little one growing in me, for our family, and having a hard time being still in the midst of that. I just want to go for a long, fast, get-my-heart-rate-up kind of walk to clear my head, mind, and heart and to get one of those brief but wonderful endorphin rushes (a natural side effect of vigorous exercise which I tend to experience distinctly)!

Well, I’m in danger of losing your attention, if I haven’t already, and the little girl in the next room has fallen silent so I have a good chance of not hearing “I have to go potty” for about the next 9-10 hours, so I should probably get to sleep. Thanks again for your thoughts, prayers and expressions of support. We are grateful and will continue to find strength in being surrounded by many persons who love and care for all four of us. Janelle

Ps. Just FYI that we are now online at home and I’m doing some work from home which means that I’m online several times a day and am always happy for notes from friends and family too. Also, for those of you that don’t have our numbers we no longer have a home phone number but each have a Verizon cell phone (Janelle: 540-269-2806 and Jason: 540-421-5983). We also welcome your calls.