9:45am: I have about a half hour here at home before heading into Shenandoah Women’s Healthcare for an appointment first thing this morning. I thought I’d start a letter to you all since Kali is happily playing on our other computer (yes, we went from NO computer to two computers with high-speed internet so I can work from home some), which is bit more of a common occurrence in our home than I would like it to be but these days a number of things are not as we would normally like them to be.
We debated sending an update out this weekend but ended up just soaking in some extra time at home knowing that soon enough it would be time to send another one. Friday brought more unexpected news. I went alone to my appointment at the midwives and learned that the amniotic fluid levels had dropped to dangerous lows (normal is 10-20cm and it had been somewhere between 11-15cm the last few weeks – Friday it had dropped below 5). We could have headed right to UVA for me to be admitted for monitoring and repeat testing but decided to have repeat testing Saturday at RMH (the local hospital).
Once again we packed the car as if we would not return home until after the baby was born. Kali went to play at our neighbors’ home with her friend Reese and we said goodbye as if we would not be back that day. It was a hard parting for me and I think even Kali was starting to wonder what was going on (mommy and daddy keep packing and acting like this baby is going to be born and then show up again several hours later…). We were all getting tired of the continual preparation for the big event, only to be sent home to keep waiting, monitoring movement and wondering what will happen next.
Jason and I spent all morning at RMH having a repeat non-stress test (which was reactive – which is good) and then another ultrasound. She didn’t move much during the biophysical and so only got 6 out of 8 on that. The fluid levels were above 5 but not by much. Jason and I were sure we were off to UVA for an early induction at just shy of 34 weeks, so we were beyond surprised when they recommended that we return home and that we keep on the same monitoring schedule with an additional ultrasound early this week.
The past week has been more difficult emotionally for me and I think I can say the same for Jason as well. I think we both feel on edge from all the waiting and it is hard for the stress to not impact our ability to relate well always as a family. Kali has been doing so well overall but it seems that by the end of the day we are all a bit more prone to meltdowns and have less ability to deal with little things not going as we would like. I felt like we went into Saturday’s appointment at the hospital with quite a bit of apprehension about what was ahead and it felt like an odd sense of relief to come home when we had been gearing up for something very different. For me, a lot of anxiety right now is connected to my need to be closely monitoring fetal movement and to feel like movement continues to be quite sporadic and sometimes hard to monitor.
I was very grateful for two good days at home with Kali Saturday and Sunday and it felt like our time together provided a bright spot in the midst of a lot of darkness. I keep trying to reassure myself that we have an amazingly strong, resilient little girl in our family who will also make it through this time. And I’m so grateful for our wonderful neighbors who have been so supportive in very tangible ways during this time investing time in Kali and relieving us of the worry that Kali will not be well taken care of when we can not be as physically present to her as we want to me.
4:30pm: We are at home and Kali and I once again find ourselves both “working” on the computer, this time to the background noise of a circular saw. Jason is working on the porch posts and railings, which is one of the final things that must be done before we can get final inspection on the front room (this doesn’t imply that we are close to done, but that all the safety and structural things are done such that we can get permission to move in whenever we want to). We have no idea if we have any chance of getting moved in before this baby will need to be born, but we keep moving forward as we are able.
Today’s appointment was a record quickie! We were in and out of there in less than ½ hour. She performed well for the ultrasound as usual – this time didn’t turn away but stuck her tongue out at us numerous times. She is probably pretty sick of being monitored too. The Doppler flow looked good as did the biophysical (they weren’t really doing either but Lori checked that stuff anyway and unofficially gave her 8/8). The fluid levels are still hovering right between 5 and 6cm. However, Lori and I both agreed that subjectively they look slightly improved from last Friday when I was there alone. It was reassuring to see some nice, though little, black fluid pockets around her.
So we are back to our Tuesday/Friday schedule for the remainder of this week anyway. She reassured me this afternoon with a good bout of hiccups and some good squirms, so I can at least relax for the rest of the day. Tomorrow we’ll have a non-stress test after I am in the office for several hours to try to get a few things done that I can’t do from home while Jason and Kali enjoy their Tuesday afternoon volunteering session at Shenandoah Valley Community School (SVCS is a learner-centered democratically run school in Harrisonburg that we are checking out as a possibility for Kali for several days a week, combined with some home schooling). We are trying to find ways to help life feel at least a little normal still for Kali with some routines and things for her that continue to remain stable. She has really enjoyed spending time at SVCS and getting to know the three little boys that are students on Tuesdays when they are there (Jericho, Lucas, Noah). Jason also enjoys his time immensely. While I’ve not been there in person other than visiting during an open house, I get lots of good laughs from Jason’s stories. This past week my favorite was about them writing a school newspaper. When Kali got there she was quickly invited to take part. They had been trying to work on the sports section. They were about to go do some sports so that they had something to write about. J I think, if I remember correctly, they got very involved in their sports and I’m not sure that the school newspaper ever got written after all.
Speaking of good laughs, I had my first in a long time last evening.
My aunt Elizabeth passed the following link to my dad who passed it to us.
I think it may be my daily “medicine.”
http://birdloversonly.blogspot.com/2007/09/may-i-have-this-dance.html
Thanks again to all of you who are journeying with us through this uncertain time. Love, Janelle
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