Present and Past

Recently I find myself in an odd space of living very much in the present and then for various reasons being flung emotionally back to a year ago. It started a number of weeks ago as the weather turned colder. I would head out to the car early in the mornings to go to work, my hair still wet from my shower, and I would have this sensation of walking to the car at Bill and Dottie's to head back in to the NICU and to Nora for the day. What amazes me is how in that moment I would feel anxiety rising in me, almost finding myself wondering how Nora's night had been. And then I'd be on my way to work for the day.

It was a year ago today that we transitioned to the "rooming in" suite in the NICU for several days before coming home to Keezletown with Nora for the first time on November 25th. Yesterday at work I was sorting through old files and had another series of flashbacks. I was reading through a number of emails that I wrote from the waiting room outside of the NICU right around this time last year. I found myself sitting in my office scanning information I was writing about recruitment and scholarships for our graduate program, and once again felt the butterflies in my stomach, remembering that those moments were such a difficult balance of trying to live in two seemingly different worlds. It was almost as if I had to remind myself where I was. It seems likely that this is par for the course, this first year at least.

And tonight our home was filled with laughter, energy, little people and big people, and lots of powdered sugar (see http://picasaweb.google.com/bennerj8/ShalomSChildrenNight# for proof). We hosted any children (and some parents joined us too) from our church community who wanted to join us for an evening of fun. I found myself so grateful again for our home, our space that we are able to open to others. And somehow now it seems right that we didn't move into our front room until we arrived home from the NICU with Nora. I'm grateful that that space that we now spend a good portion of our waking hours at home in is also the place in our home that houses the most "Nora memories."