Reflecting back, celebrating now

Today has been another pensive day for me in many ways. It has also been one of those days that brings a whole host of various feelings. One year ago today we brought our little 4lb bundle, Nora, home from the hospital for the first time just a few days after Thanksgiving.

I well remember entering our home to find it warmed by our woodstove that our neighbor Samuel had fired up for us. And soon Margaret and Charles both came to welcome us home. I was so relieved to be home, so overwhelmed and so uncertain about what the coming hours and days would bring.

But as we approach Thanksgiving this year, we could find many things to be so full of gratitude for. At the very top of that is our many neighbors, friends and family that have supported us in immeasurable ways.

Today we got in the car and traveled north once again just as we did a year ago. This time from our home in Keezletown to Jason's parents' home in Pennsylvania. This time with Kali, but not with Nora. We haven't made it to Benner's for Thanksgiving for several years now. One of Jason's sisters reminded me today that one of the first things we said when sharing that we were expecting our second child was to let the family know that we would sadly miss the Thanksgiving festivities. We feel grateful to be surrounded with family this year. We feel loved and cared about.

I am grateful to have a few days away that will hopefully carry with it some time for reflection, some time for thinking about and missing Nora. Jason recently said to me that he has been "missing missing Nora." It may sound odd but it resonated with me. I'm uncomfortable with a lot of busyness and noise. I'm sad when all my emotional and mental space gets crowded with other things. I'm restless and easily annoyed with myself and others when I don't have outlets for sharing my thoughts and feelings about Nora. I still love talking about her. I need time to miss her.

Sometimes there are days that fly by, when I haven't carved out time to check in on my inner process, that our experience with Nora is brought to me in unexpected ways. This week I had one of those strange mail days like we do every once in awhile - the kind where I open the mail and have this odd sensation that maybe the mail got to the wrong house: Jason and I receiving all this mail from hospice for families who have lost a loved one or for bereaved parents??? And then on the same day as an invitation for a service next week in our area for families who have lost children I received a certificate of appreciation from Wake Med Mother's Milk Bank for the 2,051 ounces of "human milk" that I donated. Worlds away from the present, but so easy to access emotionally.