Has it really been 6 months?

The house feels a little strange without Jason's presence in it! He left around 4:30 this morning to take my Aunt to the airport, spend some time in DC with his sister, and then head to Harman, WV. He will be in WV helping my Uncle with the home they are building until Sunday morning when he returns home. Kali and I are having our first weekend at home together just the two of us since Kali was born. Last night as I could visibly watch Kali fade - bleary eyes and warm to the touch - I wondered what kind of weekend we were going to "enjoy" together.

She was still fevered this morning and since we have both been enduring a cough that has lasted weeks now, I broke down and took a sick day, skipped my afternoon CJP class and made a doctor's appointment. We both are now started a round of antibiotics, which I try to avoid whenever possible. But I would like to no longer sound like a seal when I cough and I don't want Kali's to linger too much longer unnecessarily. He felt quite convinced that if we didn't have persistent allergies, we probably both had an infection that would only clear up with antibiotics.

It hasn't slowed Kali up much and we are very much enjoying each other's company. We were just working on finishing up some Christmas craft projects and while we were doing that we crafted a list of all the things we wish to do together. Looks like a fun mix of productive activities and imaginary play.

One of the things I chose for the list was to do some writing on our blog and Kali wanted some computer time. So she is navigating her way around pbskids.org while I write down some reflections.

Monday of this week, the three of us went to a small service held at RMH each year for bereaved parents (and there were a few other children there besides Kali). Looking back on it now several days later I feel very glad that we went. The service itself wasn't as meaningful to me as the UVA one was, but it was very good to gather with others to remember and celebrate. The focus of the reflection from the nurse that shared was very much on how to survive the holidays. Each family was encouraged to bring a Christmas tree ornament to hang on a tree in honor of our loved one. They include ornaments from the past 20 plus years that they have held the service. Kali was excited to help hang dozens of ornaments besides the little apple she chose to hang for Nora.

As we were leaving Kali surprised me with another one of those comments that sets me back on my heals. She said, "If my next little brother or sister is healthy, can they be born here like I was." What to say???

Today marks 6 months since Nora died. It's hard for me to believe that in a month from now we will have lived as long since Nora's death as her life was with us. I received an idea yesterday from a caringbridge website that I am hoping that Jason, Kali and I will do together some time over this holiday season. One of our Summer Peacebuilding Institute faculty members has a wife who is in a care facility with Alzheimer's. I don't check often but I looked yesterday and he had written a recent reflection about the movie, “Because of Winn-Dixie,” and the idea he gleaned from that.

Here is his brief summary of the movie:

"The star of the movie is the only child of a preacher. Opel is a lonely little girl, whose Mom left them when Opel was only three. Her Dad would never talk about the missing Mom. Opel rescued a loveable dog in the local grocery store and named him for the store, Winn-Dixie. Opel and Winn-Dixie find love and companionship with one another and through their expanding circle of relationships bring joy and healing to others. When Opel turned ten years of age, she pleaded with her Dad to tell her 10 things about her Mom that could be the heart of her memory of a mother she did not know. This began to fill in the void in Opel’s heart. Later, Winn-Dixie fled in fear during a thunder storm (just like our family dog Lady would do in Nairobi when we lived there in the 90’s) and Opel was afraid she would lose him forever. So she created a top ten list of what she appreciated about Winn-Dixie. She thought this would help her hold on to her memories in case she had to release him forever."

I have been really drawn to this simple idea of a way to pull together the things that I most value and remember and cherish about our daughter, Nora. This is only the start of my list, but I'll share three of the things that come to mind immediately:

1. Determination: Nora didn't give up easily. I will always remember her working so hard, all 6.5 pounds of her, to roll over. Clearly sometimes she succeeded at whatever task she was trying to accomplish and sometimes she did not. But she cannot be faulted for not trying. Same with the little board books we had that Kali was also fascinated with. There were the smallest ones we had, but still pretty large for Nora's little hands. She wanted to hold them and hold them all by herself!

2. Curiosity: Until the very end, Nora's showed an intense desire to learn and experience the world around her. Whether it was figuring out every millimeter of her binky, discovering that we had not one but two ceiling fans in the front room, or watching every nurse and doctor that came to her bedside to check on her (or mess with her), she was present to her environment.

3. Engaging: I can't think of one word that really captures this one well but this youtube video does: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii2dvShwo5c I love how expressive, communicative, adorable, and relational she is there. For as long as her body would let her, I feel that she fully engaged the world around her and those of us that cared for her and loved her to the best of her ability.

One of the things that continues to strike me about Nora's life - something that feels sad and powerful and daunting all at one - is that in many ways Jason and I have the opportunity, privilege and responsibility to help shape others' images and memories of Nora. One of the difficult things for us is how many of our friends, family and community members never got to meet Nora in person or spend much time with her. She is remembered by many only with the words that Jason and I have spoken and written about her. I hope that our words can honor her, even as we continue on our journey of grief and of finding meaning in the difficulties of the path we traveled together with her.

We'd love to have others add to our list or create their own (or make a list of your own for someone you love). We are also thinking about doing a "top ten" list for Kali as a gift to her. One of the things I've been thinking about lately is how we can do a better job at honoring and treasuring each other while we are still physically present to one another. That being said, I should get away from this screen and enjoy some fresh oatmeal bread with Kali!!