Tears and mud puddles

This week has been such a mixture. Thursday evening all three of us were quite emotional. Kali and I had stopped on our way home to print a bunch of pictures for a little album we have. I think I underestimate how these small events impact each of us on a deep level. Kali and I were kneeling there in RiteAid watching pictures spit out of the machine one after another - Nora vibrant and smiling, Nora weak and on oxygen, Kali caring for her, me kissing her... It was like a flash back in fast motion of memories of a short but intense 7 months. We brought them home and in between a number of emotional outbursts from Kali (about seemingly, though possibly not, unrelated things) I got them in the album and then went to help Kali get in the bathtub. I came back to find a tearful Jason with the album in hand. I had come back to him for solace myself as I found myself in tears as I went to hang up Phoebe's diapers, which we had offered to take care of to alleviate a small detail from our good friends who needed to leave home quickly to travel to be with a very sick family member. It was the first time since Nora's death that I found myself hanging up cloth diapers. It was one of those amazingly good and painful moments. Cloth diapers seem to many a huge chore but there was something so satisfying about the rhythm of it and I love the sound of shaking them out before hanging them up. It was bittersweet to have them hanging in our back room on drying racks. Kali, of course, took the opportunity to snitch her favorite diaper cover to properly diaper her CPR Teddy. While I was at work she had swiped all the covers off the rack and sorted them to find her favorite to use. She has always loved helping with diapers!

I was so grateful when Kali finally fell asleep Thursday night. It had been a tear-filled evening. Thursday evenings tend to be a time of letting out pent up emotions from the school and work week. Looking back Jason and I also wonder if she was experiencing some anxiety as we anticipated and talked about a service that my work was hosting on Friday morning for our family in honor of Nora's upcoming birthday.

The service was held in Martin Chapel, in the same space where we held the memorial service for her days after her death. The music, pictures and sharing all brought on many tears and I think I cried more freely than I did at the service we had planned. It was such a gift to have this time planned for us by a community that has been so supportive of our family since the moment that we learned that Nora was not growing well in utero. I continue to feel in awe of and grateful for the way my workplace struggles with how to be an efficient organization and a community that cares for each other as people.

Students, faculty, staff and alumni had gone together and commissioned Mert Brubaker to make a stained glass piece for us. Mert is a friend of our family and someone who had had a chance to spend a bit of time with Nora. We had talked briefly with her about some ideas but could not have conceptualized ourselves anything that would have captured more accurately the beauty, depth, and complexity of the 3 seasons of the year and the moments of our life that Nora shared with us.

I loved that the space we were in for the short service was interrupted from time to time with the sound of a baby making their presence known. It felt so right. And it also felt strangely appropriate for the slideshow music to not work as practiced and planned and for the little tea light candles to light the cloth under them, starting a small fire that was quickly snuffed out. Our year was full of so many moments that the carefullest of planning could not have prepared us for. And I've been deeply impacted by it.

Last evening and today have been days full of spontaneous family fun. We've played a good number of games, which is becoming quite common in our household. Kali and I just returned now from getting the mail. We got delayed at the bottom of the driveway because there were huge puddles there from the rain. I watched Kali for a good long time, once again amazed by her ability to completely let lose and jump right into the middle of a big puddle, sending muddy water everywhere. I can't think why at this moment, but I've never felt completely free to do the same. Until today that is! We were both pretty soaked by the time we arrived back at the house. Kali is out of the tub now, the laundry is ready to hang on the line and I feel grateful for these brief moments of play that feel so freeing.

It seems odd that a year that was so intense, so void of a lot of light hearted play and laughter, could be bringing that out of me at a time when the tears are also more abundant and the ache stronger. It seems that one of the gifts I'm receiving is finding ways to savor the precious moments, realizing just how precious they really are. I was trying to savor one of those moments at dinner last night when I leaned over and gave Jason a kiss. Kali looked at me with a silly and puzzled expression and said, "Why did you do that. That's unreasonable." Unreasonable is good sometimes!! :)