Three months...

I sit here poised to type in the quiet and dark and I'm so tired I can barely see straight and in moments tears will probably blur the ability to see at all. Something has to change for me, and soon. I cannot keep going at the pace I am with work and stay healthy, emotionally and physically. I am not present to Jason or Kali or myself or to Nora's memories in the way I need and want to be right now. I am present to my students and the needs are great, especially right now. But how to blend the needs right in front of me with the needs of my grief journey is beyond me right now.

I just finished last night the book, "Uncommon Fathers: Reflections on Raising a Child with a Disability." We were given it while Nora was still with us and Jason read it during her life. I never got to it and it has taken most of the 3 months since Nora died to get through it. I gleaned tidbits from it but the one line that stuck with me the most was in the very last essay. Inserting Nora's name for the child's name that was in the book, it would read "To keep up with Nora I had to slow down." Somehow to feel close to her and in tune with some of the many things her life taught me I feel like I somehow have to find a way to slow down. But I don't know how to lower my expectations for myself, when there is so much to attend to at work and home and for many "the crisis" with Nora is over.