Triplets to Keezletown!

What a special afternoon! We enjoyed the company of good friends and three very special little ones. The pictures are better than many words. They make us smile...a lot!

We've been doing some more food processing lately, some successful and some not so successful. We've now picked apples from 3 of our trees. You heard about the first trial on applesauce - UNSUCCESSFUL at least in producing a quality applesauce. Our second tree gave us a wheelbarrow full of perfect applesauce apples - the kind that makes applesauce just from cooking them down and the victorian strainer is mostly just getting out the seeds. We did about 45 quarts and had some to share with our neighbors. Our third tree is called "honey cider" apples and after unsuccessful attempts at locating a small cider press, we attempted juice yesterday. Not so successful. It seems that the first and third tree share some similar properties, particularly that of not cooking down well. So we ended with 2 measly quarts of juice, one of which did not seal. Jason and Kali may experiment more this week (when I'm not around) as Jason finds this incredibly interesting (and I mostly frustrating!).

Yesterday was a day where I just couldn't settle myself into any kind of rhythm. I felt tired beyond words, emotional about anything and everything, and left with little to no energy for my family or myself. Sometimes it's hard to be gentle with me. Is what I'm feeling related to Nora or not? Would I approach my feelings differently whether or not it is related to Nora?

The one thing I'm certain of is that I need more down time at home. Time to just stand in front of our memory box and let the tears flow freely. Time to engage in imaginative play with Kali and soak in her creative chattering. Time for Jason and I to talk and process and be together. Carving out that time, time free of expectations, is the challenge.

Bike rider!

Kali is now the happy owner of a PURPLE (very purple) bike, thanks to Aunt Karen and Aunt Sue. She is also sporting her orange shirt hand delivered from Beijing by Aunt Sue who just returned from refereeing women's basketball at the Olympics.

Thankfully the only warning on Kali's bike says to wear a helmet, which she is already in the habit of doing. She's become quite a cautious girl these days and after asking Daddy to read the warning on her stuffed animal car seat (a gift from Grandma and Grandpa Myers) which warns you to throw away the car seat if the car is in an accident, she is very clear that she NEVER wants to take a stuffed animal friend in the car with the car seat...

Today a year ago...

8/29/07 I wrote in my journal:

"Today's the big appointment day. It's about 6:40 and I've been trying to sleep since about 6 but I think my mind is too full and I'm thinking a lot about our time with the midwives today...The appointment feels like it will be very significant. I'm hoping it will bring some of the reassurance I'm longing for! But I can't help but wonder how I will feel if it doesn't."

And then after the appointment (in which we learned that Nora was way behind on growth and that they wanted to start monitoring us very closely), a few of the many many words...

"Why now? Why on my only other dreamed of pregnancy? Is it my fault? ... I feel guilty - like this is all my fault. I feel like a failure - like I'm growing a "dud" baby. I feel so sad about how disconnected I feel from this little person and how quickly I can start to experience feelings of bitterness or resentment of this baby who is turning my life upside-down. But it isn't her fault. She was Jason and I's decision. She didn't choose to be created..."

It hurts to read back on these words. On one hand it pains me the things the consumed my mental space and emotions during this time. At that point, I was having the hardest time with the idea of slowing down and of bed rest, of not exercising daily and having control over that area of my life. Somehow now that I know how the full year unfolds, that step seems like a very minor and first step on a journey where I learned more about much deeper levels of letting go, and much more painful ones.

It also hurts because now I miss so badly the little one that I struggled to bond with for awhile. She taught me/is teaching me so much. I miss her just as she was when she left us.

Wonderful friends brought us dinner tonight and we got to talk some about Nora, about us, about how we are living through this time. Those times help us heal and grieve healthily.

Some thoughts from Jason

The recent rain (finally), has kept Kali and I mostly thinking about indoor projects for the past few days, which has brought some disappointment in that the front walk will not be finished as quickly as I had hoped. However, anyone who has ever received an eye exam from a five-year-old in baby blue panties and a purple tutu top is familiar with the compensations. Slowing down is sometimes necessary for me to appreciate what a precious treasure it is to have young children in my life. We’re getting housework and odd forays into the outdoors accomplished also, but it’s still a different pace and feeling from when I am trying to incorporate Kali into meaningful progress on a home improvement project.

Kali will be starting next week at Shenandoah Valley Community School, which is a small school based on a Free School or Unschool model that is available as a full time, accredited school option for children 5-11, but which currently happens to be serving families who wish to combine home schooling with a depressurized, democratic, student-initiated educational setting. That is to say there is a good number of students, but they are all part time. This is the way we will be approaching Kali’s schooling as well, but we have not yet formally signed up as a home school family, since she isn’t required by the state to be formally enrolled anywhere until next fall. The lack of formality has not, of course, prevented the irrepressible flow of questions from Kali’s mind to the nearest trusted ear. Many of her questions are mathematical, such as wondering what two times a google is. She recently counted to three hundred out loud to me, which, since it was the first time she’s gotten past the 120s, was anything but boring for me. Fortunately, she seems to have realized that the system is fairly repetitive once you get the hang of it, and has, at least temporarily, lost interest in further accomplishments in the counting department, sparing me what would surely have become a rather dull exercise in active listening. This is all to say that I feel the Free School model is essentially correct in its assertion--as I understand it--that children actually do want to learn, and usually need less prodding than opportunities and resources. I would add to that that having healthy adult models, especially when they can spend work time together, is an essential ingredient in optimal development. I feel that the most popular lifestyles in our society currently give short shrift to this need, and that school as it is usually configured does little to fill the void.

What school does provide (for most kids) is opportunities for developing friendships, which I feel is also extremely important. We hope that Kali can meet some cool kids at SVCS next week! She has her neighbor Reese and her church friends, as well as some cool cousins, but thus far we have not managed to turn those opportunities into the long hours of negotiated co-existence that I feel are the most foundational. Of course, she is only five, and is just now beginning, I feel, to be really ready to start focusing on peer relationships.

In so much of what I’ve written so far, I can’t help but notice how different this week would have been if Nora had still been with us. We would be accomplishing so much less, would be so much more stressed out, would be so much less present to Kali and her antics, would be aching with the burden of her suffering, and yet we find ourselves wishing it could be. It is still so painful, and yet not to shrunk from, to hear Kali making references to her baby sister almost in the present tense, as if the realization has yet to fully take effect. I passed another milestone in the journey yesterday, when I dusted the shelf under Nora’s picture for the first time since her death. We miss her so much. Jason

Aching...

The ache is so strong again tonight! It's like you want to run away from it and then you want to run to it and then you don't know what to do with it when it hits you in the face all over again. The reminders are everywhere:

Kali wants to make a new toy with the old spools we have. She picks out three red spools and she and daddy devise a plan to make a new one. She nonchalantly says that the other one can be for her little sister if she has a little sister...

I play with a little girl of one of our new students today. We run around the indoor track at EMU. She pretends to pick me up to look out the window. She giggles and chatters and at one point her words remind me exactly of Kali at that age. Will I experience a toddler in our home ever again?

One of our students from Liberia had a baby this summer. The baby came early on June 11th, when he was due end of July. He's now just over two months old and is in the top 50th percentile, cute as a button and clearly thriving. I celebrate Sam's comeback from an early entrance into the world. I mourn Nora's early departure.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow feels like a big day and the start of the "one year ago's." This day one year ago Jason and I were eagerly anticipating our follow up 28 week ultrasound tomorrow. We were hoping for the best and fearing the worst. It was the day that started the roller coaster of unknowns and questions and uncertainties and hopes and fears. I had just made it through two very busy days of orienting new graduate students (as I have just done this year as well). It will be a day of reflecting for sure, in the midst of the busyness. More later! There may be some back dated updates soon :) as I have pictures and more thoughts to share when time affords...

Belated Birthday Party!

We enjoyed an evening with our neighbors, celebrating Kali's birthday (one week past). Dinner, complete with her favorites (macaroni and cheese, black olives, soybeans, etc...), followed by a fire to roast marshmallows and ending with Pin the Tail on the purple-striped zebra was enjoyed (hopefully by all). See: http://picasaweb.google.com/bennerj8/KaliSBirthdayParty

The above link gives a taste of the evening. The final picture is pretty telling as Jason and I are feeling a bit more tired than Kali appears at the moment!! She is enjoying a new game she just received this evening - Phase 10 for kids. She is really into games these days.

I've been putting in long days in the office and that is wearing on me (orientation for our new graduate students starts Monday!). It might seem odd, on the tail end of a post in which I commented on how much I enjoy busy and full days, to say that I am not enjoying the difficulty I'm experiencing balancing the demands of home and work right now. But it's true.

I realize right now that I need more space than I have needed at other junctures in life's journey. When I go at work for 10 hours plus straight without stopping and then come home to a house of many needs and a 5-year old with many ideas, I don't have the time to slow down and check in with myself. I can understand why some persons intentionally make themselves really busy after a big loss. Life can only get so full. For me, these days where I hardly have a moment to reflect on our journey with Nora and to feel the ache of missing her don't feel healthy or good to me. Somehow it feels like I need to keep feeling that ache to continue the healing process. So I'm hoping my work situation is temporary and I'm trying to find ways to make it through this time...

The most helpful thing for me this week so far was taking care of Phoebe Wednesday evening. She makes me happy and she seemed pretty happy to cart around with the Myers-Benners for the evening. She even followed Kali all the way from the front room to Kali's room (that's a long way crawling on a hard floor). What a pumpkin!

Phew!!

Today was one of those days that ends with that real good tired feeling from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes. I won't begin to capture it all here, and it may not be a real exciting read, but somehow it is one of those days that I want to remember. Not just for the mere fact that Kali and I packed a lot into the day... I haven't had a day quite like this since before I went on bed rest almost exactly one year ago. Of course it wasn't like the days previously, since the day was peppered with thoughts and reminders of Nora. Here's a snapshot of the day with a few thoughts mixed in. Read on to get an explanation of Kali's bandaids...

- I started my day with an early morning jog. Despite having just watched the women's marathon in the Olympics, I felt proud of my 2 mile jog and 1 mile walk. And the 2 miles is feeling a little more natural once again. I'm not breaking any records, but I'm at least getting out every few days for some fresh air.

- When I returned home, Kali and Jason were both awake and playing "Trouble." I was already sweaty and really wanted to finish the last stretch of driveway we needed to spread gravel on. As I took the last 5 or so wheelbarrow loads of gravel down our .1-.2 mile driveway, I found myself doing something Jason often does (inventing new things in his mind). I started thinking about what the world would be like if we completely revolutionized the Olympics. What if instead of going to a host country every four years where they have to build a huge infrastructure to support the games, there was some kind of "relief and development Olympics" where the competitions were centered around projects. Okay, so I was pretty tired of hauling gravel and was thinking what good weight lifting exercise it was and I couldn't help myself...

- After a shower, Kali and I headed out for our day of errands. We had quite a list. We left Daddy at home to work on laying bricks on the front walk.

Stop one: Gas in the car

Stop two: Sharp Shopper. Kali's treat: purple liquid soap. She no longer fits well in the cart and exceeds the weight limit on most, so she now pushes the cart and walks. Makes shopping a bit more interesting and complicated and entertaining. She pulled all sorts of things off the shelves to ask me if she needed them. Thankfully she tends to be pretty agreeable (at least on stop two) and we got out of there without too many extras! The 50lb bag of Prairie Gold that just months ago was less than $20 is now approaching $50. That was balanced out by the cheddar cheese for $1.79/pound!!

Stop three: Visitor's Center to get maps/brochures for the new student handbooks I'm very late putting together for orientation which starts MONDAY!! Kali's treat: purple leaflet about the Family Fun Park. We weren't able to get enough bus schedules so hence...

Stop four: Harrisonburg Department of Transportation to pick up bus schedules.

Stop five: Paper and Cardboard Recycling to EMU.

Stop six: Dropped off a box of donations for Gift and Thrift (the crib was overflowing with stuffed animals so Kali and I agreed on some to give away and I also paired down on some of my clothes since we agreed it wasn't fair for just Kali to give away her things).

Stop seven: My office. We spent an hour or so there making some photocopies, distributing mail in mailboxes, answering my voicemails, dropping off the things we had picked up for the handbooks, eating lunch. Kali's treat: last bag of microwave popcorn, which doesn't come in purple.

Stop eight: Artisan's hope for some baby presents for a friend. Of course Kali had her eyes open for a "special treat." Sure enough there was a a little guy with a purple top on a wire bicycle made in Kenya. And it was a good find, as it got us through lots of waiting time in a subsequent stop.

Stop nine: THE DOCTOR for Kali's 5 year check up. She had been anticipating, but not eagerly, this for some days. She did great until the very end. It's easy to remember that she is 44lbs (75th percentile, when compared to other children her age) and 44 inches (90th percentile, if we are comparing). I felt proud as Kali did her first eye exam, working hard to read those funny little letters from far away. We hadn't seen Dr. Nio since last August when I was pregnant and before we knew anything was wrong. So she asked about our new baby... We could only delay the shots for so long. She needed two boosters (MMR and Polio) either this year or at age 6. She chose to get them both over with and they had two nurses come so they could do them at the same time. Sadly she takes after her mother with a strong fear of and distaste for needles. After quite a scene and many tears she endured the shots just fine and stopped crying almost immediately and has been her chipper self ever since. But it was no fun for either of us. We were all brainstorming at dinner that maybe this Fall when Grandma Benner is giving us all flu shots at Thanksgiving she should give Kali hers in her sleep. It struck me that with babies they don't cry about shots before hand and then need comforting afterwards. Somewhere along the way it flip flops and the comforting comes first... That was about an hour and a half ordeal with all the waiting (hence the popularity of the little bicycle guy!).

Stop ten, final one: Martin's for groceries. The last time I was in Martin's I got the call (the joy of cell phones) from UVA that Nora's coronal suture was indeed fused. I had walked around the store, already a bit baffled by its size and the numerous choices, hearing about the likely major surgery Nora would need to go through in order to open the suture back up to avoid gross malformation of her face. It's not a store I'll choose to go to often, but I needed some gluten free products for several upcoming events. Kali's special treat: purple cauliflower (and it stays purple when cooked, but flavor's not great, so if you aren't obsessed with purple don't bother.). Kali ate it but I'm sure if it was white she wouldn't have.

The trip to Martin's also housed another "last time" experience. We used our final WIC checks for milk and juice and I shredded the WIC folder upon our return home, as instructed. Since Kali turned 5 (the upper age to be on the program) and I'm no longer lactating and Nora is no longer with us, we are no longer eligible. It's not that we won't be okay without that assistance or that I even enjoyed so much being on it, it's just another one of those premature endings. They somehow hadn't gotten something straight in their system since I was called the other day to check about my upcoming appointment at the Health Department - "no we will not be keeping that appointment..." Being on WIC has been an eye opening experience both times we have been on and each time I can't help but get really frustrated with so many things but today what was highlighted once again was how it seems that you are just destined to fail to get the exact right thing that you are allowed to get with the coupon. Despite a product having a bright red WIC sign on it with the exact product name on it, it was not allowable unless all the store brand kind was gone (which the sign did not explain). Grrr....

I was glad to get home. Kali quickly busied herself helping Daddy work on the front walk and I got to unloading and putting things away. After dinner together around 7pm, I still had "clean house" left on my to do list. So it is now just after 11pm and I've had my second shower of the day. All the floors in our house have gotten a good scrubbing. My knees might get a little sore, but I have to admit that I really like washing floors (especially when they haven't been washed for a long time). I changed my bucket of water about a 1/2 dozen times in the process.

Below is how Jason spent his day!! Enough for tonight. Janelle

Hummingbird appearance

I don't consider myself a natural born mystic, but after sharing the following story my dad suspects that I have more of the mystic in me than I realize. Either way, my morning started with another strong reminder of Nora. I was up well before Jason and Kali once again getting ready for a long work day. Drawn to the front room, I stood by our finished memory box for a few moments and then walked to the front picture window to look out at the breaking day. I wasn't there more than a minute before a hummingbird zoomed right up to the window and was there hovering for what seemed like a long time, but couldn't have been more than 30 seconds. And before I knew it it was gone. Maybe it was my red shirt, maybe I was just at the right place at the right time... Who knows! But it was an experience that couldn't help but remind me of Nora's short time with us. The way she came into our lives and so dramatically changed our view of the world around us. And the way she left us way too soon. I wanted a better look at her. I wasn't done soaking her up. I wasn't done with the hummingbird either. But it had graced me with an appearance, not 2 feet from me facing me and allowing me a brief moment to capture its strength despite its tiny size. And for that I'm grateful.

This evening while Kali and I were hauling more rocks down the driveway she asked me, "how old was I when Nora was born." I told her that she was four. She pondered that and then declared that that meant that she was four for Nora's entire life. Her matter of fact comments about Nora's life and death simultaneously break my heart and make me feel glad for the way she clearly has Nora on her mind and weaving her short life with us into her daily journey even now.

After dinner she was in her room and came out to me in the kitchen and asked, "where's the memory box?" There's a chair right by it and so she was able to go and take a look. I'm glad that we have those reminders for all three of us, and others who come to visit. Of course Nora's purple ring is her favorite component!

KALI is 5!!!

We are home safely after a weekend in Mount Joy, PA. Kali turned 5 on Friday, August 15th. It was a day much anticipated by her and eagerly celebrated by us. Kali has been wanting to go to Grandma and Grandpa (Myers) Pennsylvania house for some time and so this seemed like a good weekend for it. The last time we had been there was when I was at the beginning of bed rest (Jason and I's birthday weekend in late September).

The weekend held lots of fun for Kali: THREE parks, several picnics, presents from family and friends to enjoy, playing with Grandpa, watching and "helping" Grandma decorate her doll cake, getting her first taste of the Olympic games on TV (after which she assured us she would NEVER dive off a diving board), eating many of her favorite foods, and staying up past 11pm each night!! And also getting a phone call all the way from China, where Aunt Sue is referring women's basketball.
It was special for us too and peppered with memories of and remembering Nora:

- I finally got all our updates on this blog and now get to go back and add pictures. Reading through the days right before her death and the days following brought fresh tears.

- Going to a nearby park and hearing the name "Nora" used to addressed a little girl playing there, only to learn that her name was none other than Nora Lynne.

- working on completing the memory box we had wanted to have to remember Nora. My aunt Elizabeth did the beautiful piece in the middle with her hand prints and hair.

Kali's 5th Birthday

24 more tons...

Seeing a 12 ton heap of gravel on a newly fashioned parking space can really bring satisfaction. That is, unless it's the wrong kind of gravel. I might have caught the mistake as it was being dumped and prevented all 12 tons from ending up where it didn't belong if I hadn't been occupied with directing the rollback tow truck that had come to pick up our disabled car at exactly the same moment as the dump truck. Such is life...no biggie. Things are panning out fine, so far as we can tell, with both the car and the gravel. The car has some kind of information technology problem (something like a speed sensor leaving the computer high and dry regarding some particular essential information), and will probably be fixed tomorrow. The gravel heap will get used. Our neighbor Charles will be needing some for his own building project soon, so he might help us move it, and anybody who has visited us knows our driveway could use a little TLC in the gravel department. Frazier Quarry gave us 100 dollars off that load (almost half the price) and twenty off the next load, which came later in the morning and was the kind we actually needed, which was "Crusher Run."

This had mostly transpired before breakfast, so once Kali got up and we got breakfast, we set to work spreading and tamping crusher run, which is receptive to compaction, as the sub base for our front walk. Montessori camp (and other maturing experiences) must have helped her since we last worked together one-on-one: She was a joy to work with. She repeatedly mentioned how much she wished that there would be such a tool as a "kid's tamper." It must have looked like a lot more fun than it is! She accepted my explanation that a kid's tamper would result in many sore toes, but just couldn't help wishing. I think she had a good day. Two gravel piles--each with its own texture--to play in (picture bluish gray dust all over those little legs), meaningful work to participate in if she chose (and she often did choose to), lots of short wheelbarrow rides, and at the end of it all getting to drive her tricycle in countless effortless circles on the newly created flat place which is the patio section of the front walk.

And still, at the end of the day she mournfully expressed her desire to me for me to work away from home so she could have days alone with Mommy. She seems to do this with no malice, but simply expressing a preference. We are puzzled but not especially alarmed about this seemingly innocent playing of favorites. For some reason favorites seem to be exceedingly important to her recently, and we feel as if when possible we need to respect her development and/or grieving process.

I look forward to many more work days with Kali this fall, since Kali will be attending Shenandoah Valley Community School, a democratic free school near Harrisonburg, (http://www.svcs.us/) two days/week, and we will be volunteering there together one half day/week. Doing the math, that leaves us one day/week that Kali and I are home together all day, plus one half day/week which we will probably spend on errands, since we'll have the car in town anyway. Each of our weekends will ordinarily be three days long, since Janelle will be working four days/week. Much of our weekend time will probably be spent working as a family, sometimes on one project all together and sometimes with one of us indoors and the other out, etc. This is a hugely pleasant way to spend the scant hours of our lives...we are so grateful to the choices we've made and good fortune we've run across that permits this way of life. Many of our friends and acquaintances are stunned and then pretty jealous when they learn of our work schedule, and with good reason. If there were a way we could help others who might desire this kind of lifestyle to be able to adopt it, I would very much want to. But it is not an unqualified recommendation: you may have to do without some of the pleasures to which you may have become accustomed in order for it to work. Also, debt load is of extreme significance. Still, our experience suggests that if it works, it really works.

Food processing fun & moments of remembering

We've had a good and special two days at home, doing one of the things I love to do most in the world - food processing! Yesterday we got a taste of what we've dreamed of doing in our home - putting up food with friends, utilizing the luxury of having not one but two kitchens. Our good friends James, Donna and Ella, along with two more of their family members, joined us to process 16 dozen ears of corn. Believe it or not, we also managed to squeeze in two rather relaxing sit down meals and a mini-birthday celebration for their just-turned-5-year old (Ella) and our almost-5-year old (Kali).

After they left, we finished up the last gravel shoveling on our parking space so that we are ready for the next 12 ton load of smaller gravel that will arrive first thing tomorrow morning. That will be one of Kali and Jason's project for this week, as we have set a very loosely held goal of having the front walk done in time for our small birthday gathering for Kali.

I was up late last evening continuing my project of backdating and uploading our old updates onto this blog. It's so interesting to see other aspects of my personality manifested in this process. I've always been one to be able to watch the same movie multiple times and somehow manage to be affected by any level of suspense each time I watch it. I know the outcome but it still impacts me somehow. Last night I passed the point where Nora had plateaued in weight and we had begun to investigate the feeding tube option, I started taking her to work, we were completely exhausted and were so hopeful that just around the bend things would start to get better. I didn't want to keep reading and yet I needed to know what happened next and then I would remind myself that I know the ending of this story. The emotions still seem so fresh and at the surface. And I can be taken back to those moments months ago where our hopes would rise and fall with each feeding, each weight check, each spit up... As I read, I can't help but wonder what other possible outcomes were out there. I think Jason and I both feel fairly certain that Nora did not have genetic potential for a long life. But it's hard not to wonder what other roads we could have traveled with her. We don't spend a lot of time dwelling on it and mostly think about how much we miss her and for me sometimes I feel panicky when I feel memories slipping from me.

I've found my thoughts in Canada a lot this weekend as Dr. Braddock (the geneticist we worked with for the duration of Nora's life), presenting on Nora at a conference there. I've thought about how we hoped this would shed some light on our journey and help us find our way in parenting her well. And for some reason, now, I wish so much that those talking about her and the syndrome she had, would be able to get a taste for how fully she lived parts of her very brief life. How sweet her smile and coos were. How amazing she was with her little wrinkled hands.

Kali heard us talk a lot about Nora today and she clearly was listening a good part of the time. We enjoyed a long visit with Jason's cousin and his wife who currently live in Canada. They came with art supplies for Kali and a rose in memory of Nora, along with expressions of care and support and interest in our journey past and present.

After they left we had a monumental moment. We completely moved into our front room - actually did Jason's "master plan" for that space. He put the final cupboard doors on and we unpacked glasses that we had received as a wedding present almost 10 years ago that we had decided to not open and use until we were in our "permanent" home. It was a good feeling. Now as soon as Jason's builds our dining room table to fit 12, we'll be all prepared with new glasses!!

We topped off the evening doing a batch of dill pickles together, having brownie sundaes and fruit bestowed upon us by various neighbors and two games of Swap (Kali's new favorite). At one point Kali was at the table enjoying a purple plum from Samuel and Margaret's trees. I love when we get a glimpse into her little mind. She piped up at one point, starting to say that Nora will like these when she gets older. It was the first time I can remember her catching herself by saying that "Nora will" do or like something when she gets bigger. She quickly and without any awkwardness fixed her sentence midstream to say that "Nora would have liked them." It simultaneously broke my heart and warmed it to hear her talk so naturally about her baby sister, still thinking of what things in life she wanted to give her a taste of. We do too, every day.

Through the Valley

I’m savoring some quiet moments here this morning as the rest of the family is still slumbering. It was a more restless night of sleep for me, with dreams and more frequent waking, not to attend to anyone or anything other than my swirling thoughts and emotions. It seems that both Jason and I find ourselves lately in a place of high emotion and deep sadness. I guess it should come as no surprise that we miss Nora. Jason did some writing late last night, as I was reading Kali to sleep and then myself shortly thereafter.

I want to let Jason’s writings end this update as for me his poem needs to be the final word for today. Before that, I wanted to let you all know that we will be sending more infrequent updates. BUT we are actually writing more often and in smaller snippets and with more pictures interspersed. That is, I’ve entered the world of “blogging.” It is very much a work in progress but you are welcome to check it out anytime. We may occasionally still send updates/writings to the list but more likely we will allow those of you wanting a window into our lives to check for recent postings when you find your thoughts going our direction. I have made it that at the bottom of the home page you can “subscribe” to the blog. I’m still VERY new to this but we have wanted a place to put all out updates and pictures of Nora all together. I’m working at archiving all the older updates and it is quite the journey for me to re-read them all. I’m currently at the most hopeful updates of Nora when she had just crested 6lbs and all were feeling good about her progress and we were adjusting to having a different baby than we had dreamed, but a sweet and healthy one. I’ve lived the whole thing and yet I find myself anxious to read on knowing now that this is just the calm before the storm.

So feel free to check it out at www.myersbenner.blogspot.com and feel free to add comments there or email us directly (I’m still figuring out the comments part myself). There are 6 short postings there since our last update, which should get you pretty much up to date on our lives. Now to Jason:

“I felt exhausted and testy and sad this evening, and when I had a few minutes to myself in the car my thoughts immediately went to Nora. You would think that I would have relished the time away from our home place, having spent the vast bulk of my time here for many weeks now, toiling away in solitude (usually) at our various projects. But I needed to get home. Some poetry had been brooding and brewing all day, and it was time to hatch it and drink it.

Our home has space and green and natural. I can deal with nature because I can see nature (to be specific, “self-organizing” nature, as I have recently heard it called). And nature is simultaneously the specter that needs to be dealt with and the comfort I seek. In the city and suburbs everything is controlled, or looks like it’s controlled, but control is, in the end, a sham. Or at least it’s incomplete. Like a moth to a flame, I am drawn to the places where there is less control. It may hurt to put my finger on it, but it depresses me and produces anxiety when there are layers of removal between me and it. It is the cold, clear stream that hurts my skin when I touch it, but to which I return to drink.”

Jason writes: These excerpted paragraphs have been touched up a little this morning to make them more sensible, since last night’s writing was something of a disgorgement. It’s still kind of raw in form, but that’s o.k. Here is one of the poems I was working on. Poems are never really finished, as I’ve heard a poet say, just abandoned. But at a certain point the poet becomes willing to make the work public. The others are not ready.

Through the Valley

Our trail led down into the gorge.
We harbored fear, but had no choice;
love’s rod was always there to prod us on.

Step by worried step,
we carried you for miles, always hoping
for the path to strike an upward tack
and lead us through and out; we wandered there
so very long.

In meadows green we laid us down and, choking, drank the
brimming chalice of our sorrow by the cool and quiet river’s bank,
for it was there we learned we could not take you with us any further, nor
could we remain.

Kneeling at the water’s edge, the best that we could do
for you was weave a basket, lay you in, and send
you on your way. You couldn’t know we didn’t leave, but watched
that basket float until it passed the bend, would be there
still if love had not reached
out to nudge us with
a gentle staff.

* * * * * * * * *

This path is leading out and through, but without you:
Oh, empty arms! Looking back toward where we’ve been I feel
the pain and smell the smoke of hopes becoming ashes, yet I know
that this is right: these labored steps, my aching hips, love’s
leading toward the light. And there is this: at night
I dream of palaces that lie beyond the bend; I see
some bathing goddess reaching out to
lift you from the rushes.

Jason Myers-Benner
August 8, 2008

Date Night

A fun "date night" was had by all!! Jason and I decided on our last "date" where we ate at a restaurant and meandered around town, that the next one would be at home doing what we love doing not what we feel we "should" do to make it a "date." So we canned peaches and pasta sauce. FUN!! The timing was special as today marked Jason and I's 10 year engagement anniversary.

Meanwhile, Kali was having her last "date" with Kristin, Phoebe and Carl before turning 5, one week from tomorrow. She enjoyed a picnic at a local park, entertaining and being entertained by Phoebe, and returning to their home in time for banana splits. Jason and I were just sitting down to dinner at 9pm when she arrived home and she thought it was funny that she got to have two dinners, and she enthusiastically gobbled some of the chicken Jason had going in the crockpot all day.

Jason and I just ended our evening (Kali sacked out for once during stories) watching our favorite video clip of Nora that Aunt Anna captured for us. I love remembering her so full of life!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ii2dvShwo5c

I'm thankful for Nora!

When I was pregnant, whenever we went around the table to say what we were thankful for, Kali always said, "I'm thankful for Drimpy (her chosen name for the baby)." When Nora was born, she changed it slightly and always said, "I'm thankful for Nora." Tonight at dinner we went around to say what we were thankful for from our day. We haven't done it quite as often since Nora died. Kali decided on, "I'm thankful for camp" but then quickly added that it was the only thing she could think of. It was one of those moments where I just wanted a glimpse into what she was thinking but I didn't want to pry. I asked her what she had wanted to say. She only confirmed that she could only think of camp so that was why she said that. We went on to another conversation. About 2 minutes later she said, "I wish I could have said Nora." What to say other than "us too."

It's not many days that I enter the house alone after work and to an empty house. Kali was very interested in what Daddy was doing with the edging bricks on the front walk when we got home so she busied herself getting dirty and "helping." I came in alone to start yogurt, make a creamed soup from our endless supply of overly big zucchini, yellow squash and green beans and other odds and ends around the house. But it wasn't long before I was standing in our bedroom in front of the picture we have of Kali holding a very happy, full of life, baby Nora. I couldn't help but talk to her and allow the tears to flow once again. I miss her...

Kali's back out at the rock pile and my two blisters are questioning the wisdom of spreading more stone but I don't want to miss the cooling off of the evening and working alongside Jason and Kali. But I'll wear gloves this time!

Triplets and Gravel

We just came inside after starting to spread out our 24,000 pounds of gravel that was delivered today from Frazier Quarry. Another good family task to do together. I, of course, dove right in and worked up a sweat within minutes and didn't use gloves so had two blisters within the hour. Jason comes along with gloves and works steadily long past when Kali moved on to filling her shoes and socks with dirt and I to snipping beans by the hammock so could enjoy Kali's chatter and the sound of gravel filling in the holes between rocks on the parking space.

We got home around 7pm after spending about 4 hours with some of our new favorite little people! We picked up Kali from "mask-making camp" and headed to visit the triplets. I brought along dinner for us to enjoy together and Jason got to meet Charlie, Addison and Carina for the first time. They are such special little people, and it doesn't hurt that we really enjoy interacting with their parents too.

Of course being with them reminds us of Nora. Charlie reached for Jason's beard and I'm quite sure it is the first time since Nora that he had a baby playing with his beard. A bitter sweet moment for me to observe. But other moments are filled with so much pleasure - watching Kali play with Carina and see Carina's keen interest in her every move, me holding Carina while she slept in my arms, watching Charlie blow bubbles and be his charming self, watching Addison sacked out in her swing, not even able to rouse to get her turn at the Itsy Bitsy Spider before we left, and the list could go on. I'm so glad to get to soak up some of their baby energy and get my baby "cuddle tank" filled up occasionally.

It's been harder than I imagined to stop pumping. Jason reminded me today that one of the first things he remembers me saying after Nora died was, "I want to keep pumping for the triplets." It was like that somehow allowed me to postpone some of the grieving process a bit and also the hormonal change that inevitably comes I assume when a mother stops lactating. For me it feels horribly premature (since Kali nursed until her 3rd birthday) and not at all the process I want to be going through right now. It's not that I'm uncomfortable physically at all. It just hurts. It feels wrong. And I get this panicky feeling at least once daily about "drying up." And then I have to remind myself that I don't have any baby to feed and that it is okay.

Another day is coming to a close. But it shouldn't end before saying "Happy Birthday Ella, our dear little friend. You had a golden birthday today, turning 5 on the 5th!" And our little Kali will soon be following in 10 days from today. She'll have to pull off a ring of her birthday count down chain before heading to bed. She's finishing up her bath, which was much needed to get her face and the rest of her a different shade from the gray of the gravel and brown of the dirt pile!

"Family" times

Jason is holding on to Kali with one hand so she can't get away and trying to brush her hair with the other. At this rate, I'm likely to finish this posting before her hair is brushed.

The last number of days I've been wanting to write and then another day comes and goes and I think of more things I want to write but forget the thoughts from the previous day. And so life goes.

We have had some special times with Kali lately and with each other. Working together has been good for us. We have 12 tons of stone scheduled for delivery tomorrow to put a several inch layer of small rock over the tons and tons (literally, Dad) of rocks we have hauled over the last several weeks to create a parking space.

Sunday after church we took a picnic lunch down into our woods and ate lunch at the site of the rock pile, which is much diminished.


Kali is in her last week of camp for the summer and hasn't tired of it yet. It feels like a new and special thing for us to see her interacting and developing friendships with other children, independent of her relationship with us.

Nora's absence has been felt pretty keenly in the last number of days, particularly today as we pass the two month mark since we said goodbye to Nora. I miss her more now than I did in previous weeks, not that you can somehow track precisely the feelings of missing someone. I find myself wanting to somehow plead with the universe to give her a chance at this life. As we experience beauty around us and enjoy Kali's almost-5-year-old antics, I hate that Nora doesn't get to be part of it. And I feel sadness that we don't get to watch her grow and change and develop into a little girl and onward. I dreamed my most vivid dream of her last night but she was alive with us holding onto my hands as she practiced pulling herself to a standing position and then plopping down, again and again. I woke up as I was trying to figure out how we were going to reinstate ourselves in all the early intervention services and home health companies I had canceled services with when she died. Not that life isn't already confusing and emotional and then dreams just muddy reality all the more...

Last Meager Offering

You'd think after pumping 5-8 times daily over 7 months and then several times a day for 2 more months, I'd be done. If I don't choose to quit soon, I'll be pumping for next to nothing as it seems my body is no longer fooled by this machine. I've gone from pumping2 full bottles of milk each pumping (12 oz) to working hard for 3 oz.

Over 2000 ounces went to Wake Med Milk Bank and over 3000 to the dear triplets, who I look forward to spending a good part of today with. I feel grateful that the milk that Nora was unable to fully utilize was able to help and nourish other little ones, while at the same time wishing more than anything that she would have been able to grow and thrive as well. As I pumped for one last time this morning I looked through pictures and found some of her nursing. Not even two months have passed since I cradled that little body in my arms. How I crave for that connection, to be able to touch and hold her and nurse her.