Today a year ago...

8/29/07 I wrote in my journal:

"Today's the big appointment day. It's about 6:40 and I've been trying to sleep since about 6 but I think my mind is too full and I'm thinking a lot about our time with the midwives today...The appointment feels like it will be very significant. I'm hoping it will bring some of the reassurance I'm longing for! But I can't help but wonder how I will feel if it doesn't."

And then after the appointment (in which we learned that Nora was way behind on growth and that they wanted to start monitoring us very closely), a few of the many many words...

"Why now? Why on my only other dreamed of pregnancy? Is it my fault? ... I feel guilty - like this is all my fault. I feel like a failure - like I'm growing a "dud" baby. I feel so sad about how disconnected I feel from this little person and how quickly I can start to experience feelings of bitterness or resentment of this baby who is turning my life upside-down. But it isn't her fault. She was Jason and I's decision. She didn't choose to be created..."

It hurts to read back on these words. On one hand it pains me the things the consumed my mental space and emotions during this time. At that point, I was having the hardest time with the idea of slowing down and of bed rest, of not exercising daily and having control over that area of my life. Somehow now that I know how the full year unfolds, that step seems like a very minor and first step on a journey where I learned more about much deeper levels of letting go, and much more painful ones.

It also hurts because now I miss so badly the little one that I struggled to bond with for awhile. She taught me/is teaching me so much. I miss her just as she was when she left us.

Wonderful friends brought us dinner tonight and we got to talk some about Nora, about us, about how we are living through this time. Those times help us heal and grieve healthily.