Triplets and Gravel

We just came inside after starting to spread out our 24,000 pounds of gravel that was delivered today from Frazier Quarry. Another good family task to do together. I, of course, dove right in and worked up a sweat within minutes and didn't use gloves so had two blisters within the hour. Jason comes along with gloves and works steadily long past when Kali moved on to filling her shoes and socks with dirt and I to snipping beans by the hammock so could enjoy Kali's chatter and the sound of gravel filling in the holes between rocks on the parking space.

We got home around 7pm after spending about 4 hours with some of our new favorite little people! We picked up Kali from "mask-making camp" and headed to visit the triplets. I brought along dinner for us to enjoy together and Jason got to meet Charlie, Addison and Carina for the first time. They are such special little people, and it doesn't hurt that we really enjoy interacting with their parents too.

Of course being with them reminds us of Nora. Charlie reached for Jason's beard and I'm quite sure it is the first time since Nora that he had a baby playing with his beard. A bitter sweet moment for me to observe. But other moments are filled with so much pleasure - watching Kali play with Carina and see Carina's keen interest in her every move, me holding Carina while she slept in my arms, watching Charlie blow bubbles and be his charming self, watching Addison sacked out in her swing, not even able to rouse to get her turn at the Itsy Bitsy Spider before we left, and the list could go on. I'm so glad to get to soak up some of their baby energy and get my baby "cuddle tank" filled up occasionally.

It's been harder than I imagined to stop pumping. Jason reminded me today that one of the first things he remembers me saying after Nora died was, "I want to keep pumping for the triplets." It was like that somehow allowed me to postpone some of the grieving process a bit and also the hormonal change that inevitably comes I assume when a mother stops lactating. For me it feels horribly premature (since Kali nursed until her 3rd birthday) and not at all the process I want to be going through right now. It's not that I'm uncomfortable physically at all. It just hurts. It feels wrong. And I get this panicky feeling at least once daily about "drying up." And then I have to remind myself that I don't have any baby to feed and that it is okay.

Another day is coming to a close. But it shouldn't end before saying "Happy Birthday Ella, our dear little friend. You had a golden birthday today, turning 5 on the 5th!" And our little Kali will soon be following in 10 days from today. She'll have to pull off a ring of her birthday count down chain before heading to bed. She's finishing up her bath, which was much needed to get her face and the rest of her a different shade from the gray of the gravel and brown of the dirt pile!