Food processing fun & moments of remembering

We've had a good and special two days at home, doing one of the things I love to do most in the world - food processing! Yesterday we got a taste of what we've dreamed of doing in our home - putting up food with friends, utilizing the luxury of having not one but two kitchens. Our good friends James, Donna and Ella, along with two more of their family members, joined us to process 16 dozen ears of corn. Believe it or not, we also managed to squeeze in two rather relaxing sit down meals and a mini-birthday celebration for their just-turned-5-year old (Ella) and our almost-5-year old (Kali).

After they left, we finished up the last gravel shoveling on our parking space so that we are ready for the next 12 ton load of smaller gravel that will arrive first thing tomorrow morning. That will be one of Kali and Jason's project for this week, as we have set a very loosely held goal of having the front walk done in time for our small birthday gathering for Kali.

I was up late last evening continuing my project of backdating and uploading our old updates onto this blog. It's so interesting to see other aspects of my personality manifested in this process. I've always been one to be able to watch the same movie multiple times and somehow manage to be affected by any level of suspense each time I watch it. I know the outcome but it still impacts me somehow. Last night I passed the point where Nora had plateaued in weight and we had begun to investigate the feeding tube option, I started taking her to work, we were completely exhausted and were so hopeful that just around the bend things would start to get better. I didn't want to keep reading and yet I needed to know what happened next and then I would remind myself that I know the ending of this story. The emotions still seem so fresh and at the surface. And I can be taken back to those moments months ago where our hopes would rise and fall with each feeding, each weight check, each spit up... As I read, I can't help but wonder what other possible outcomes were out there. I think Jason and I both feel fairly certain that Nora did not have genetic potential for a long life. But it's hard not to wonder what other roads we could have traveled with her. We don't spend a lot of time dwelling on it and mostly think about how much we miss her and for me sometimes I feel panicky when I feel memories slipping from me.

I've found my thoughts in Canada a lot this weekend as Dr. Braddock (the geneticist we worked with for the duration of Nora's life), presenting on Nora at a conference there. I've thought about how we hoped this would shed some light on our journey and help us find our way in parenting her well. And for some reason, now, I wish so much that those talking about her and the syndrome she had, would be able to get a taste for how fully she lived parts of her very brief life. How sweet her smile and coos were. How amazing she was with her little wrinkled hands.

Kali heard us talk a lot about Nora today and she clearly was listening a good part of the time. We enjoyed a long visit with Jason's cousin and his wife who currently live in Canada. They came with art supplies for Kali and a rose in memory of Nora, along with expressions of care and support and interest in our journey past and present.

After they left we had a monumental moment. We completely moved into our front room - actually did Jason's "master plan" for that space. He put the final cupboard doors on and we unpacked glasses that we had received as a wedding present almost 10 years ago that we had decided to not open and use until we were in our "permanent" home. It was a good feeling. Now as soon as Jason's builds our dining room table to fit 12, we'll be all prepared with new glasses!!

We topped off the evening doing a batch of dill pickles together, having brownie sundaes and fruit bestowed upon us by various neighbors and two games of Swap (Kali's new favorite). At one point Kali was at the table enjoying a purple plum from Samuel and Margaret's trees. I love when we get a glimpse into her little mind. She piped up at one point, starting to say that Nora will like these when she gets older. It was the first time I can remember her catching herself by saying that "Nora will" do or like something when she gets bigger. She quickly and without any awkwardness fixed her sentence midstream to say that "Nora would have liked them." It simultaneously broke my heart and warmed it to hear her talk so naturally about her baby sister, still thinking of what things in life she wanted to give her a taste of. We do too, every day.